Saturday, October 21, 2006

Good day

Yesterday was a really bad day so I enlisted help. I emailed a few good friends at work and said I needed to get out and who wanted to come to the pub at lunchtime. As I emailed my message I realised that the attraction of the pub was actually time out with friends - NOT alcohol! And that was a great feeling! So although the two incidents that upset me so much in the morning carried on being upsetting throughout the day, the fact that I could go out with friends and get away for an hour and not even think about having an alcoholic drink actually made me feel a lot better about the awful day I was having. Does that make sense?

And today has been a good day. I've been making my Christmas lists and realise that I've got a lot of presents for people already - I have about 18 bottles of wine in the garage so most of it is going to be given away as gifts to people who don't have a problem with drinking. That reminds me, I must cancel my subscription to the wine club - it's not a good idea to have a case of 12 bottles turning up every two months! But the fact that I have had 18 bottles sitting in the garage for over a month, unopened, is unheard of for someone who could (and often did) drink a bottle a night and sometimes open a 2nd one. Even more of an achievement is having 3 bottles of rum in the garage, unopened. I bought the rum in September, when I was still thinking I'd try and stick to the recommended allowance of 21 units a week. After a couple of weeks of being unable to do that I decided on my 'October detox' month and the bottles have stayed untouched ever since.

I am well aware that there are people who think that if they've managed to give up alcohol for a week or a month, they can't be alcoholics because they've just proved they can live without it. I know that after the week or month is up they may go straight back to drinking excessively again. I know that's a danger, and this is my last chance to prove myself, to myself. I've set my goal now of 100 sober days by the end of the year. After that, I'll allow myself to have a drink or two if I really want it, but if I find that I can't stick to that I will hold up my hands and admit that I really am an alcoholic, and I will wholeheartedly embrace the cure. But I have to find out for sure that I am an alcoholic, and that I really need to never ever touch a drink again to be able to have any sort of control. Those of you who are reading this may very well have been where I am now, telling yourself that you can stay in control, and you may be sure that I won't be able to stick to just one or two drinks occasionally - you may be absolutely right, but I have to be sure. The next few months are going to prove to me whether I control the drink or whether the drink controls me. I am too independent to allow anything to control me, so if I do find out that alcohol is stronger than I am then out it goes forever.

I feel really empowered by making that statement 'out loud'. I enjoy a challenge, and so far this month, it's been me 21, alcohol nil!


Designer Girl said...

Glad your day got better yesterday, and that today's been a good one.

At the Saturday meeting I go to, we have a speaker, and your post really hits on a lot of what today's speaker was sharing. She could go for days, weeks, even months sometimes without a drink, and other times could control her drinking by not drinking excessively (i.e., not drinking to get drunk). Eventually, though, it would get out of hand for her, again, and start controlling her instead of her controlling it. I related to and identified with MUCH of what she shared in that regard.

You do have to find out for sure. Just don't be seduced by the notion that you can control it if you know in your heart of hearts that you cannot. I got very cavalier and nonchalant about my "slips" towards the end, discounting them, and not really wanting to believe they were serious. Thank goodness, someone kindly pointed out to me that a slip could take me out for good, and would, the way I was headed.

Sorry to ramble on so. Just be cautious and wise. Listen to what you know deep inside is true. I can't say "Yes, you're an alcoholic!" or "No, you're not one of us." You, and you alone can decide that. I'm just a little concerned for you, because I know how I deluded myself for years, and don't want to see you make the mistakes I did.

You're in my prayers, girl! And you're doing GREAT!! Keep it up! :) (((hugs)))

Trudging said...

Yep, good idea to cancel that subscription! Thanks for stopping by my Blog. Keep up the good work.

Carly said...

I hope you'll keep posting! We care about you. Lots of hugs from across the pond.