Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Commitment

I've been thinking a lot about commitment. I know it's something I'm so not good at, that I avoid it at all costs. I believe in love and happy-ever-after for other people, but not for me. I believe in God, but I don't want to go to church because I don't want to get 'sucked in'. I want to lose weight and I can diet for a week or so, but I can't commit to changing my eating habits for a lifetime ... And it's the same with alcohol. Right now I want to see how I cope without it, but I don't want to commit to giving it up forever. I don't want not to be able to have a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve ever again. I don't want not to be able to have a drink occasionally when I want one. I know, I know, it's a form of denial - I've proved amply to myself over the past couple of decades that I can't have 'just one' - but I can't commit to never taking another drink ever again.

And that's why, I think, I have decided not to start going to AA meetings. I would feel I was there under false pretenses, surrounded by people who want to stay sober forever. I just want to stay sober for now.

And I'm a little bit disappointed in myself for it.

5 comments:

Scott W said...

Whatever you decide to do absolute honesty will serve you well. Many of us have tried to make it without AA, and some have succeeded, but most come back eventually. Wishing you the best no matter which path you choose.

Welcome to the community.

Carly said...

I know exactly what you mean! I felt the same way. Forever is a helluva long time. Even my Dad who has 32 years sober says he doesn't do forever. Too hard. Just today. Not drinking today is enough.

Thanks for the birthday wishes on my blog!

Mary Christine said...

Why don't you go to a meeting and see what you think? Forever thinking is a bad trap to fall into. We all do this one day at a time.

But if you aren't ready, you aren't ready. Some people die before they are ready.

Shannon said...

forever is a long time, thats why all we have is today, one day at a time...

Designer Girl said...

Hey, there. I didn't get the "just for today" or "one day at a time" for a looonnnng time. I'm just now beginning to get a handle on the concept. It's so crucial, though, because that's all any of us can do. Forever is too long, and too overwhelming to think about. That's why we don't do it at AA. Just today. That's all.

And you know what? If you do slip up and relapse, there is nothing but open arms welcoming you back. I agree with Mary Christine. Just try one meeting and see what you think. It's sooooo much easier than doing it alone. And you don't have to agree with anything you don't want to, either.