Happy Hallowe'en!

Not something any of us will be doing tonight!

Today is an important day for me for several reasons. Hallowe'en has traditionally been a very busy time for me as I'm usually organising parties for various kids of all ages up to 55, or at the very least hiding behind my front door dressed as something unspeakably scary, ready to jump out on the trick or treaters.

This year, however, 31 October is not only Hallowe'en, but also my 31st day with no alcohol. I'm going out for a drink tonight - DIET COKE!!! - and I know I'm not going to blow it, or be swayed in any way. Right now, I have no desire to drink alcohol. I'm going out to meet some people I've never met before, so they won't know me as 'someone who likes a drink' and will accept me, without question, as someone who doesn't drink.

Tonight also marks the last night of freedom for a while because, as you will see from the link on the right, tomorrow is the first day of National Novel Writing Month, so I shall have my head down over my keyboard at every available opportunity. It's going to be a good month to (continue to) stay sober because I don't drink when I'm writing - I write rubbish if I do! And I'm going to meet fellow NaNo writers tonight to generally talk about how we're going to manage to juggle family, jobs and 50,000 words before 30 November. Usually the idea of meeting brand new people would have me heading for a stiff drink beforehand, but not today, not when I've been doing so well.

I thought, a month ago when I embarked on this 'trial run', that by the end of it I'd really be 'dying for a drink' and that I'd have lined up a nice quiet evening for myself where I could finish off the bottle of rum I pushed to the back of the cupboard 31 days ago. In fact, the rum will stay where it is and I shall carry on.

And it will be very nice not to feel the way I usually feel after a Hallowe'en party with my friends: (and here was going to be a great, seasonal picture, but for some reason Blogger doesn't want me to be greedy and have 2 pictures on my post ...)

Have a little faith

I had a big disappointment on Friday. I'd had a really good interview for a new job on Thursday - a job I'd love, and one I know I can do. The director who interviewed me seemed as enthusiastic about my abilities as I was about the job, and promised I would have a decision the following day.

So, on Friday I called the agency and they'd just got off the 'phone with the director. He had told them I was by far and away the best person for the job BUT ... they needed someone to start as soon as possible, and as I had to give a month's notice at my current job, they had decided to go with their second choice.

While it was nice to hear all the good things he said about me, that doesn't really help me in my current situation, which is, a job I hate, at a salary I can't live on, with people who treat me like a trained monkey most of the time.

So it's been hard to pick myself up from that disappointment and I'm still upset, but I need to have a little faith. The fact I didn't get this job must mean that something better is out there.

On the positive side, this didn't push me to drinking. Once upon a time, not so very long ago, it would have been the perfect excuse for me to down a bottle of rum or vodka and cry all night about how unfair it all was. Yes, it does seem unfair, but drinking wouldn't have made it any better: it would simply have added disgust at myself to the disappointment in not getting the job.

Another positive thing is that I received my copy of Alcoholics Anonymous during the week. I'd ordered it on line and last night I took it and it opened at a particular page (it was a 2nd-hand copy) which must have been of some significance to its previous owner. I read the first few paragraphs and then went to bed. Today, when I logged on, I went straight to a particular blog that I read every day, and the very passage that I had read was quoted there. I feel as if there are two gentle hands on my shoulders, turning me to face the direction I need to go, and I must have a little faith, and keep facing forward.

And the best thing of all? It has now been 29 days since my last drink, and it feels good. It feels very good.

Grateful

I was going to post yesterday evening before I went to bed and moan about the rotten day I'd had, but before I write my own blog entry I usually read how other people have been getting on, and after I'd looked at some other blogs I realised that the rotten day I'd had was nothing compared to some of the anxieties and very real problems others had encountered.

So instead of complaining I'm going to take a leaf out of some other blogs and remember what I have to be grateful for:

• that my problems are only work-related. I'm looking for another job and hopefully will be out of here soon
• that even here at this awful place I have made some good friends
• that tonight is my volunteer night and I get to help others
• that my family and friends are all safe and in good health
• THAT I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE 9pm ON SATURDAY 30 SEPTEMBER
• that I've found this blogging community

I feel better for remembering the good things rather than dwelling on the bad things, although the bad things still need to be dealt with.

I'm wishing you all a happy, sober day!

Still winning!

Just a quick post to say I won again today. I think the bottle is beginning to realise it's losing the fight and it didn't even show up in the ring today. In fact, the only time I thought about drink was when I was in the kitchen and saw my chalk-board, right before I came upstairs to post before going to bed, and I thought, 'Aha! Another day to chalk up!'

I've been lucky, I've had some easy days , and the days that have been harder have been manageable. I know there is help there when I need/want it, and it means a lot to come in here and say I've had a successful day, and read about other bloggers' struggles and triumphs. Because family and friends had no real idea of the extent of my drinking, there's no-one to be proud of what I'm doing, or to encourage me, so I'm learning to be proud of myself, and to find my encouragement within myself - and here.

Thank you, everyone, for your blogs and your comments and your honesty. I'm so glad I've found this on-line community.

Good day

Yesterday was a really bad day so I enlisted help. I emailed a few good friends at work and said I needed to get out and who wanted to come to the pub at lunchtime. As I emailed my message I realised that the attraction of the pub was actually time out with friends - NOT alcohol! And that was a great feeling! So although the two incidents that upset me so much in the morning carried on being upsetting throughout the day, the fact that I could go out with friends and get away for an hour and not even think about having an alcoholic drink actually made me feel a lot better about the awful day I was having. Does that make sense?

And today has been a good day. I've been making my Christmas lists and realise that I've got a lot of presents for people already - I have about 18 bottles of wine in the garage so most of it is going to be given away as gifts to people who don't have a problem with drinking. That reminds me, I must cancel my subscription to the wine club - it's not a good idea to have a case of 12 bottles turning up every two months! But the fact that I have had 18 bottles sitting in the garage for over a month, unopened, is unheard of for someone who could (and often did) drink a bottle a night and sometimes open a 2nd one. Even more of an achievement is having 3 bottles of rum in the garage, unopened. I bought the rum in September, when I was still thinking I'd try and stick to the recommended allowance of 21 units a week. After a couple of weeks of being unable to do that I decided on my 'October detox' month and the bottles have stayed untouched ever since.

I am well aware that there are people who think that if they've managed to give up alcohol for a week or a month, they can't be alcoholics because they've just proved they can live without it. I know that after the week or month is up they may go straight back to drinking excessively again. I know that's a danger, and this is my last chance to prove myself, to myself. I've set my goal now of 100 sober days by the end of the year. After that, I'll allow myself to have a drink or two if I really want it, but if I find that I can't stick to that I will hold up my hands and admit that I really am an alcoholic, and I will wholeheartedly embrace the cure. But I have to find out for sure that I am an alcoholic, and that I really need to never ever touch a drink again to be able to have any sort of control. Those of you who are reading this may very well have been where I am now, telling yourself that you can stay in control, and you may be sure that I won't be able to stick to just one or two drinks occasionally - you may be absolutely right, but I have to be sure. The next few months are going to prove to me whether I control the drink or whether the drink controls me. I am too independent to allow anything to control me, so if I do find out that alcohol is stronger than I am then out it goes forever.

I feel really empowered by making that statement 'out loud'. I enjoy a challenge, and so far this month, it's been me 21, alcohol nil!

A little reminder

... of what happens when girls drink too much …

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
5. We start crying and telling everyone that we love them sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my God! I love this song!"
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's only because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

I've done all except 8, 9, and 10. But I haven't done any of these for at least the last 19 days!

Bad day

By about 10 this morning I'd already said to a colleague that it was a good job they didn't allow us to drink at work because I'd already be on my second glass. It was shaping up to be a bad day. Mind you, every day where I work is a bad day, and some days I cope with it better than others. Today wasn't a good coping day. By 11 o'clock I had looked up AA meetings in my city - although I think I knew that there would not be one that I could fit in between leaving work at 5pm and starting my voluntary work at 6.30pm. That finishes at 8.30. The meetings I found were all at 7.30, so no chance of getting to one. But at least I thought about it!

Anyway, somewhere between actually looking up AA sessions and leaving work I found something inside that reminded me drinking wouldn't make my bad day any better and as I wouldn't be home until 9pm there was no point even thinking about it.

As always, my voluntary work made me feel a hundred times better. What I do there is worthwhile. It makes up for the horrible day job and it makes me realise how lucky I am - not just lucky to have the life I do, but lucky that I can do something to help other people. And so I came home and fed the cat and poured myself a diet coke and now I'm going to have a long hot soak in the bath before chalking up another successful day.

The bad day's turned into a good one. Tomorrow will be better.

Who am I?

I am unashamedly copying this from Jay Osmond's Blog - and he's copied it from somewhere else - and just tweaked it a little bit. Guess who this is?

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might as well turn over to me,
And I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.
I can be managed, but you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done,
And after a few lessons I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of all great men,
And alas of all the failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of a machine,
Plus the intelligence of a human.
You may run me for profit, or run me for ruin,
It makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me,
And I will put the world at your feet.
Be easy with me, and I will destroy you.
Who am I?

I AM HABIT

Habit got me into drinking in the first place. I'm trying to learn new habits and so far - day 17 - it's working.

Sixteen days ...

I've done two stupid things today, but neither of them included drinking alcohol, so I'm not going to beat myself up!

I came home from work absolutely shattered and thought I'd have a little lie down for half an hour ... 2 1/2 hours later I woke up! So, of course, wide awake with no chance of sleeping for ages. No problem, there's a good game on the computer that keeps me amused for hours, so I've been playing that, drinking lots and lots of Pepsi Max. Now that is stupid, because the caffeine in that, combined with my nap earlier, means that I'll be lucky if I manage to get to sleep before I have to get up at 6.45! And as I have difficulty in staying awake at work at the best of times (nothing of any interest to do!) I'll be nodding off over my keyboard tomorrow.

But it could have been worse. In the not-too-distant past if I've sat up late on the computer it's been accompanied by a bottle of bacardi to go with the coke, and it hasn't been a game, it's been chat rooms and boy, can you get into trouble there! Sober, I have absolutely no desire to go into any of the rooms I used to visit, and that's another very good reason for not drinking.

Favourite song

My favourite song of the moment has been played ever since I gave up alcohol for October - I hear it on the radio almost every day either on the way to work, or on the way home, and I always sing along loudly. It's become my not-drinking theme song, and I hope you like it.

REHAB

PS - didn't drink today, either - 15 days in a row! Yippee!

Momentary wobble

I had a moment this afternoon, sipping my diet coke, when I thought how much nicer it would be with some bacardi in it. Only one, just one, and I'd savour it, and then put the cap on the bottle and get on with what I was doing. No-one would know. I wouldn't have to tell anyone.

But I realised that I would know. I'm doing this for me, and that's the difference this time. No-one would be disappointed in me, but I'd have been disappointed in myself, so I left the bottle where it was, stuck to the diet coke, and chalked up another successful day on the board in the kitchen.

Other than the wobble - and it was only for a moment while I had that little conversation in my head - I had a good day. No headache when I woke up, a trip to the shops, the chance to do a good turn for a close friend - and the good news that she's moving house and will be closer to me - and the mental clarity to work on my (writing) competition entry, and watching a movie late in the evening and being clear-headed enough to follow the plot.

Hang on, this is beginning to sound like a grateful list! And maybe it should, because I am grateful, grateful to have started to stop, grateful for all the blogs I read that inspire me, and grateful that I have enough of my life left ahead of me to enjoy.

And grateful that, for the 3rd Saturday in a row, I am going to bed without the world spinning...

Friday lunchtime at the pub

I haven't been to the pub with my colleagues at all since I started stopping (if that makes sense) but I did go today. No difficulty in having just a diet coke - but then again, only 3 of the 8 of us had an alcoholic drink.

I'm not as anxious about the weekend as I was last weekend. Usually weekends are a bit of a blur (I wasn't a huge drinker in the week - I did drink every night, but not always to excess - but weekends were usually spent drinking and taking naps) but I am confident this one won't be the same.

I mentioned a new challenge a couple of days ago. I was counting days until Christmas and I realised that if I combine my sober October with the previous sober days I've had this year, I'll have 47 by the end of the month, which means I can fit in 100 before the end of the year! That would be fantastic! I mean, 100 is 28% of a year! I don't think that, ever since I started drinking seriously (seriously? What, as opposed to playing at it? No, I mean heavily) when I was about 20, I have ever had 100 alcohol-free days in any one year. I know that if I do make 100 this year they won't be continuous days, but it's a nice even number, and that's what I'm going to go for.

I'm keeping my 1-month countdown ticker at the top of my blog, but then I'll start moving towards my 100-day total goal.

Reasons to be cheerful

The tiny veins in my nose are not so red

My tongue looks a healthy pink, and not like the bottom of an incontinent parrot's cage

I haven't felt sick once

The whites of my eyes are white

I've lost 3lb in weight

All this in just 12 days of not drinking! There are other physical changes, too, which, added to the above, tell me I must have been much tighter in the grip of alcohol than I wanted to admit when I started my October challenge. I'm feeling so much more positive now that even though it's not the end of the month yet, even though I haven't succeeded in reaching my target one month, I'm thinking up my next challenge ... but I'm not going to tell you what it is just yet! You'll just have to keep coming back to find out!

Commitment

I've been thinking a lot about commitment. I know it's something I'm so not good at, that I avoid it at all costs. I believe in love and happy-ever-after for other people, but not for me. I believe in God, but I don't want to go to church because I don't want to get 'sucked in'. I want to lose weight and I can diet for a week or so, but I can't commit to changing my eating habits for a lifetime ... And it's the same with alcohol. Right now I want to see how I cope without it, but I don't want to commit to giving it up forever. I don't want not to be able to have a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve ever again. I don't want not to be able to have a drink occasionally when I want one. I know, I know, it's a form of denial - I've proved amply to myself over the past couple of decades that I can't have 'just one' - but I can't commit to never taking another drink ever again.

And that's why, I think, I have decided not to start going to AA meetings. I would feel I was there under false pretenses, surrounded by people who want to stay sober forever. I just want to stay sober for now.

And I'm a little bit disappointed in myself for it.

Monthly challenge

I felt too awful last night to post my progress - which was good, another sober day (although I had to really talk very sternly to myself because I so wanted a drink) and then this morning I realized! Silly me! I know why I've been feeling so down, tired and lethargic over the past few days - it's 'That Time' (perhaps this is over-sharing?) I can't remember the last time I faced my awful PMS without a bottle in my hand, in fact, on day one I usually get a self-destructive urge to drink myself into a stupor, perhaps because of the fear of the gut-wrenching agony that sometimes accompanies my period and causes me to black-out through pain. Anyway, now that I've realised why I've been feeling like this I'm more determined than ever not to give in to the craving to drink all the depression and pain away.

I'm going to try and put my thoughts in order about why I'm not going to meetings. I know why, but I want to be able to talk it out coherently here, so I'll post about that tomorrow ...

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone - I do appreciate it!

Progress report

Another day chalked up, another day closer to my goal: my first alcohol-free month in years.

I thought I'd be feeling better than I do by now. I am permanently tired - except after I've been in bed for about an hour, and then I'm wide awake. I still wake up with a bit of a headache in the mornings. I guess the alcohol must have taken more of a toll on me than I realised!

Seven days

A whole week. I've done a whole week. I'm pleased I've done it, I'm determined to carry on. Today - a whole day on my own, no distractions, no purpose and no drink. I've already said what my usual weekends are like. So far this one has been different. It's been a bit dull, it's felt as if there's been something missing, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would. The hardest part was watching a movie in the afternoon and seeing someone drinking a glass of sherry before dinner. The memory of the taste of sherry (not something I particularly like) was so strong it was almost as if I had a mouthful myself, and I found myself wishing that I had a glass to sip, and that I could have a glass of wine with my meal. But I didn't.

So tomorrow is the start of another week. If I can do it for one week, I can do it for 2, and if I can do it for a fortnight, I can do it for a month.

What happens when October is up remains to be seen ...

Different approaches

I was told recently of the approach a women's group (not specifically an alcohol-related group) has been using towards alcohol. A wine glass and a beer glass are put in front of the group members and introduced as Mr and Mrs Alcohol. Each person is invited to tell Mr and Mrs Alcohol how they feel about them, and then they take the place of the glasses and say how they, Mr and Mrs A, feel about what they've just heard.

It's a variation on the two-chair work that counsellors and psychotherapists sometimes use, and it made me think about some of my own relationships in the past. If I've felt that someone is trying to back off from me, I've held on even tighter. One of my friends is extremely needy, and I am trying to back off from her because she is draining me, but it's having the reverse effect. She calls me every night now - she's holding on tighter, as if she can sense me slipping away.

I'm beginning to think that that's the relationship I have with alcohol. When it feels me turning my back it puts more temptation in my way to entice me back into its warm and familiar embrace. If I tell myself I'll have just one, as soon as I've started to drink it, subversive thoughts creep into my brain: You see, I feel fine, one doesn't hurt. I can have another one. I've got ... oh ... another 10 hours before I have to get up for work tomorrow. I can have another couple before I go to bed and still get a good night's sleep, and it will all be out of my system by the time I get up.

Of course, one leads to 2, 2 leads to 4, and 4 leads to 8 and so much for a good night's sleep: I wake up on the hour, every hour, with a headache and a raging thirst for the bottle of water I keep by the bed. I look at the clock and think, Shit! I've only got X hours before I have to get up!

So, I have a message for Mr and Mrs Alcohol. I love you very much. You've been part of my life since I was 14, but I just can't see you now. Maybe we can get together in the future, but right now I just can't be near you, for my own sake.

I'm not even going to ask Mr & Mrs A how they feel about being dumped, because I know they'll make excuses and promise to be better, less demanding, if only I'll take them back, and I just can't afford to listen to them any more.

Looky looky!

I've been looking around at various web-sites and blogs and found some cool things - one of which is the count-down ticker I've put at the top of this blog. It will remind me every time I log on that I am moving slowly towards my first goal, even if it is at a snail's pace.

For the first time in a month I have a free weekend. Well, I mean I have stuff to do - housework, financial paperwork - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm so looking forward to having the whole weekend to myself, but all that time is also a bit dangerous. A typical weekend to myself is pottering around in the morning on Saturday, having an aperitif before lunch ... and then usually lunch is non-existant and the afternoon is spent snoozing before waking up again in time for a drink before dinner.

This weekend I've made sure I have lots of nice coffee, flavoured waters, fruit juice, DVDs to watch and books to read, just to keep myself occupied and my mind off the bottle of rum locked away in the garage. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll log on and read all the blogs that I've been enjoying these past few weeks, I'll look at my little snail inching along towards the end of the caterpiller and I'll count the lines on my chalk-board and hopefully I'll be posting positive messages at the end of each day.

I beat the bottle again today!

I'm just on my way downstairs to watch a programme on TV before I go to bed but wanted to log in and blog for the 2nd time today, because I won't have time to blog first thing in the morning, which is when I usually post how I've got on the previous day.

I'm going to put another chalk line on the board in the kitchen tonight, because today is another sober day. Yippee!

Last year there was another section on the chalk board: days lost through alcohol. There were quite a few of those last year. This year there have been fewer - in fact, only a couple - and next year I'm not going to need that section at all, because I won't be losing any more days. Life's too precious to waste.

New picture

My original picture of two bottles of Bacardi was, in hindsight, not the greatest of choices for someone who's fighting drink. So I've chosen something altogether more serene and peaceful:

I'm feeling a bit more peaceful myself today. I've now had 4 days and 16 hours without alcohol, which is the longest stretch for me so far this year. Last year I managed 17 days in January but it all fell apart after that.

I had an email from a friend this morning to say that she is cutting out drinking for the first 3 weeks of October (until her birthday). We're meeting up later this afternoon and I'm going to suggest that she takes a look at some of the blogs that I've been reading: I've found a lot of encouragement there, and I hope she will too.

Honesty

I've never been honest about the level of my drinking but I thought I'd give it a try last night. I went out to dinner with a friend and, while we were deciding on what to eat, she went to the bar to get us a drink. I said I'd have a diet coke and she asked if I was feeling all right. I just said that I'd been drinking too much recently and was giving myself a break. There, just like that. She just said, 'Do you want ice in it?' and didn't query or comment at all.

Usually if I come home after a sober evening out (if I've been driving, for instance) I take a big glass of rum and coke up to bed and drink it while I'm reading. Last night I came home and just went to bed.

Another sober day chalked up. I'd love to see my chalkboard in the kitchen absolutely full of those little green lines by Christmas. I'd love not to even need a chalkboard in 2007. It's certainly something to aim for!

Day 2

Day 2 over with no alcohol. I had some good news/bad news yesterday - depending on which way you look at it. I have a friend who works for a subsidiary of the Bacardi-Martini group, and she's my source of cheap Bacardi. Every month she's allowed to purchase up to £80 a month of their products at near-cost price but as she doesn't drink, she passes her allowance on to me and I usually spend about £60 of it on Bacardi. Last month I really cut down on my order (because I was broke and I had already decided not to drink so much) so there is less to tempt me in the house. Yesterday she emailed me to say that their company has been bought out by another drinks firm so there will be no more Bacardi on the staff list! Eeek! I must admit I had a moment of panic, but then thought, well, if I'm not going to be drinking the stuff anyway, what does it matter?

Kept myself busy at home last night and didn't even think about drinking. I've now chalked another day up on the 'Alcohol Free Days' board in the kitchen. It's 18 now - not 18 in a row, 18 since Christmas. That's pretty terrible, really, but it's a start.

Pat on the back ...

Yesterday was 1 October, the start of my alcohol-free month. I suppose it helped that I was so tired from the gig I went to on Saturday night I spent most of the day asleep ... but in the afternoon I had an hour's on-line chat with fans who weren't at the gig and wanted to know how it went, and in evening I had 3 hours in front of the television (which is almost unheard of these days) and that was when I fancied a drink. The character in the drama I was watching was one of these hard-drinking maverick types and watching him pour a large glass of whisky made me think rather wistfully of the bottle of Bacardi I had in the cupboard. But I reminded myself why I was giving up, I reminded myself that I'd made a promise - just to myself, no-one else - and the bottle stayed where it was and I stuck to soft drinks.

When I got home from the gig and finally got to bed I had a bit of a nightmare. I dreamed that I was in the kitchen and there was a half-finished glass of wine on the counter and I automatically picked it up and drank it, and then I thought (in my dream), 'Damn! I wasn't going to drink this month! Oh well, I've failed.' And in my dream I poured another glass of wine. During the day yesterday I felt really disappointed in myself for having taken a drink and then remembered that it had only been a dream and actually I hadn't had a drink at all! So although today is only 1.30pm on day 2, I'm feeling pretty good .... despite finding something unspeakable in my pizza in the office canteen ... I don't feel like putting anything into my mouth in this place ever again so what with the calories I'm going to save on alcohol and no longer eating in the canteen maybe I'll regain some of the shape I've lost ...

On the whole, a lot to look forward to!