Friday, November 17, 2006

Another week over

Another sober Friday night! That's 7 in a row ... and every day in between!

I'd like to say that I feel like a new woman - physically and emotionally. In fact, I feel very much like the 'old' one, only moreso. Now that there is no alcohol to numb me to certain things, I cannot help but face up to the fact that I don't always like myself, that I doubt my ability (even more because of these last 6 months of trying to find another job, only to be rejected every single time) and that I cannot see a good future for myself. Drinking helped me become deaf, dumb and blind, if only temporarily, to the things I didn't like about myself, and the things that scared me. I feel that I just don't 'fit' anywhere, and drinking used to help me fit. Now that I don't have the alcohol to smooth off the rough edges I need to learn new ways of fitting, or accepting that I don't fit.

Maybe it's because I'm so very tired that everything seems black at the moment, so I'll go to bed and hope that everything looks a little brighter in the morning. At least I can look forward to a hangover-free morning - that's something to be happy about!


Mary Christine said...

I bet you would fit right in at an AA meeting, and find some people who were fun to hang out with.
(sorry, I am nagging)

Shadow said...

hey! chin up. and get a good nights sleep. i slept until 10.20 this morning after all that happened yesterday... i've always used alcohol as an escape mechanism, and somewhere along the line i'm now going to have to do life without it. it's going to be tough, i can see that from your writings, but somehow it'll happen. i'm sure. good luck to you!