Day 1

I got up today feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to delete last night's blog entry. I didn't want anyone to know how stupid I'd been after my smug assertions that I could control my desire for alcohol.

But how could I delete my entry when it had prompted such kind words of support and encouragement?

I still feel ashamed of myself, although maybe I shouldn't. All I did was lose a fight I was never destined to win.

So it's back to square one for me and that feels like the right place to be.

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it.

I need help

Oh, I am so clever! I did 100 alcohol free days between 1 October 2006 and the end of 2006 (those 100 days had to include the few days I'd managed from 1 January until 30 September.)

Aren't I clever? Aren't I so well-controlled? Haven't I got this alcohol bastard beaten?

No.

I never wanted or intended to give up alcohol forever, I just wanted to CONTROL it (oh, ha ha ha, you can all laugh at me now!)

So I had a few drinks at Christmas and New Year - just a few, nothing like I used to put away.

I had a few drinks at Easter - after the 40-day abstinence of Lent - and then a few to celebrate ... celebrate what? I don't know - by then I didn't care.

My old friends don't want to know me because I don't want to drink with them any more (I know to avoid old bad habitual friends and places) but my internal drinking buddy (ME!) is my best friend, and there is no escape from her/me.

I thought I was clever, I thought I had it conquered. How bloody stupid was I to think that?

I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you, responding to your blogs, your questions, your requests for support. I have no right to ask for your support now, but ... I am ready to say it:

My name is Linda. I am an alcoholic.