Dying for a Drink

Just checking in ...

2008-05-16T22:35:00.003Z

I know I haven't been here posting for a while - for a long while - but I wanted to come in today to say that the lessons I learned when I was here posting and reading every day are still lessons I take to heart.

Every day I pray and thank God for the day He has given me, for the strength and love He has shown me. Every day I ask Him to look after me tomorrow has He has done today - and every day, He does.

I'm not a church-goer, or a regular worshipper, but I don't need to be. Since admitting to my dependence on alcohol, and seeking His help, he has never let me down. I've let Him down, I've lapsed, but He loves me, and takes me back every time.

If there is one message I can pass on, it's this. Ask Him for help, and He will give it.

Where has the time gone?

2007-11-20T18:31:00.001Z

It's been such a long time since I posted, and I've popped back to find such lovely comments on my last post that I wish I hadn't left it so long. I've been so wrapped up in life that I've kind of ignored the friendship and support I've found here.

So, how have I been doing so far these past few months? Well, not brilliantly, because I have had a drink on several occasions, but not terribly badly either. If I find I have a real craving for a drink, I make sure I don't have one, because I know that one is never enough when I feel like that. I know that the night before my period, or the first night, I have such an urge to drink myself into a stupor that I make very sure I'm either out/busy/have no drink in the house. I volunteer to drive all my friends when we go out (which isn't that often!) because I know that will stop me drinking.

I'm sober now, today. I haven't got falling down, throwing up, can't-go-to-work-in-the-morning drunk at all this year, but I have had a drink regularly. I've still beaten last year's total of 100 alcohol free days, but I can't call myself a non-drinker.

I'm still taking it one day at a time. Some days I win, and some I lose, but I still keep fighting.

And I'm going to keep coming back here. I'd forgotten how good it feels to be able to write down how I'm feeling, and how I'm coping. I'm sorry I left it so long.

Reasons to be cheerful?

2007-06-17T17:31:00.000Z

I had two horrible shocks last weekend and I coped by taking a drink. I'm not proud of that and I shouldn't have taken the two shocks as an excuse to open a bottle, but I did, so I'm back to square one.

First shock was a colleague leaving a message on my mobile on Saturday morning asking if I was free for a chat. She's a colleague, not a friend. She's prickly and stand-offish and I look at her and I see myself 10 years ago. Actually, 5 years ago. Maybe a year ago. Anyway, I was a bit worried about her because she'd been off sick on the Friday so I called her back and she told me the reason she'd been off on Friday was because she'd taken an overdose. She told me some of the things that were bad about her life and I listened and gave names and numbers of counsellors (her own was on holiday) and promised to cover for her at work and offered to come to her house and take away all her pills and booze and hold them for her. After we'd hung up I sat and talked to myself: once upon a time I had been as desperate as she was but never taken an overdose because I'd seen what a suicide attempt could do to a family (my mother attempted it when I was 15 and blamed me - my head told me that it wasn't my fault but my heart broke all the same). Once upon a time I'd been that desperate but no more. I didn't have a drink. I knew it would solve nothing for me, nor help me to help her.

The following morning I had a telephone call from a friend to say that a mutual friend had committed suicide. News of 2 suicides in less than 24 hours? I'm not that strong. Despite prayer, reading, positive affirmation ... oblivion through the bottle was all that was in the back of my mind so I'm afraid I fell off my precarious perch on the wagon and have had a few drinks since then. Not every day, not to excess, but that's not the point. I promised myself I wouldn't drink, and I've gone back on that promise to myself and to God.

I could not have prevented my colleague's suicide attempt. I could not have prevented my friend's suicide. I might have been able to prevent my mother's suicide attempt - after all, my childish act of sticking chewing gum in my little brother's hair was the straw that broke the camel's back - even though the adult in me knows it wasn't my fault. All the same, it's been a difficult week. All the same, that's no excuse for drinking when I made a promise not to.

I'm making that promise again today. I will not drink alcohol.

Has it been 3 weeks?

2007-05-23T22:54:00.000Z

... Looks like it ... looks like it's been 3 weeks since my last post. Actually, it might be more, or it might be my cycle going haywire. Last time I had a binge and posted my whining poor me entry was the day I got my period. (Sorry any men logging in - we ladies have a monthly excuse! And if you don't believe it, imagine someone jumping up and down on your balls and NOT STOPPING FOR 7 DAYS!)

So yes, it's THAT TIME, and I'm sober. I wasn't expecting my period on Monday so I just carried on my life but by today (the Eve Of Doom) I was thinking, well, I must have a drink because tomorrow is the day I should have been getting my period. So, let's look at this.

When my period is due I start planning to drink to alleviate the a) physical pain and b) the emotional upheaval.

When I don't realise I'm getting my period I carry on as (sober) normal.

Once upon a time (35 years ago) when I first started my periods, the only solutions were a hot water bottle applied to the belly (not very useful if you had to go anywhere) or a heap of pain-killers (not very helpful if you had to concentrate on anything like school or exams) or a stiff upper lip until you could go somewhere and lie on a bed and drink loads of vodka to kill the pain.

Somewhere in that scenario I plucked out the words VODKA and KILL PAIN.

As a grown up I know now that vodka is not as an effective painkiller as paracetemol or even yoga exercises. But the bottle is still a strong pull at this phase of the moon.

So this period I am doing yoga exercises and drinking water.

It may not help my womb, but it's helping my liver ...

Back on track

2007-05-04T18:09:00.000Z

Taking one day at a time, working hard, keeping busy, making time for the things I enjoy and taking care of myself, thanking God for each sober day and asking Him for help for tomorrow: it's working. I haven't had a drink since my binge about 10 days ago, and I don't intend to have another. I know I can't have just one drink, enjoy it and put the bottle away. It's depressing to think I can never have a drink again and I don't know if I can commit to that, but I know I don't have to. I just have to commit to staying sober today. I can do that.

Day 1

2007-04-26T12:33:00.000Z

I got up today feeling thoroughly ashamed of myself and decided to delete last night's blog entry. I didn't want anyone to know how stupid I'd been after my smug assertions that I could control my desire for alcohol.

But how could I delete my entry when it had prompted such kind words of support and encouragement?

I still feel ashamed of myself, although maybe I shouldn't. All I did was lose a fight I was never destined to win.

So it's back to square one for me and that feels like the right place to be.

Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate it.

I need help

2007-04-25T20:19:00.000Z

Oh, I am so clever! I did 100 alcohol free days between 1 October 2006 and the end of 2006 (those 100 days had to include the few days I'd managed from 1 January until 30 September.)

Aren't I clever? Aren't I so well-controlled? Haven't I got this alcohol bastard beaten?

No.

I never wanted or intended to give up alcohol forever, I just wanted to CONTROL it (oh, ha ha ha, you can all laugh at me now!)

So I had a few drinks at Christmas and New Year - just a few, nothing like I used to put away.

I had a few drinks at Easter - after the 40-day abstinence of Lent - and then a few to celebrate ... celebrate what? I don't know - by then I didn't care.

My old friends don't want to know me because I don't want to drink with them any more (I know to avoid old bad habitual friends and places) but my internal drinking buddy (ME!) is my best friend, and there is no escape from her/me.

I thought I was clever, I thought I had it conquered. How bloody stupid was I to think that?

I am so sorry that I haven't been there for you, responding to your blogs, your questions, your requests for support. I have no right to ask for your support now, but ... I am ready to say it:

My name is Linda. I am an alcoholic.

The best things in life are free!

2007-03-28T16:00:00.000Z

Now that I'm not spending time too inebriated to concentrate in the evenings, I've been checking out free stuff on the internet, and I've come across this offer - only open to UK residents but there are probably similar incentive programmes running in your country too. Read on, please!

FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE FREE

A lot of people are selling Ipods and other items on Ebay that they've got free by using an incentive programme - no purchase necessary! A colleague of mine (an accountant with her head screwed on the right way) has done some research on it, and so have I, and we've both come to the conclusion that it's genuine. My colleague's put a listing on Ebay but I thought I'd go the friends/family route because they're more likely to believe me than some stranger on Ebay!

Basically, you follow the first link below and sign up for an offer, enough to earn a credit. Some of them are free, so those are the ones I'd recommend (LoveFilm, for instance). By using my link below, I get a referral, and once I get 12 referrals, I get my free Ipod! I might keep it, but, to be honest, they are selling around £200 on Ebay, so I'd be more likely to sell it and then try a different incentive programme to get another one.

The 2nd link below shows a TV documentary about how these incentive programmes make money, and gives the experience of some college boys in the US. Although it doesn't specifically mention this incentive site, it does set my mind at rest about the business reason that these companies can make these offers.

There's nothing to stop you getting an ipod - or any of the other items on the Apple site - just please go through my link in the first instance to sign up! And if you'd like to circulate my link and this explanation to all your friends and family, that would be great! After all, wouldn't you like to be the one who helps them get a free Ipod???

http://apple.real-incentives.com/?referral=18533

http:////news.bbc.co.uk/media/video/40101000/rm/_40101790_ipods_carver22_vi.ram

First time for everything

2007-03-24T22:35:00.000Z

It's been a month since my last post - a sober month. There is nothing new to report, except one thing.

The hardest part of not drinking for me was seeing people drink on television. Every time I saw someone drinking spirits I would be able to taste it, and I wanted so badly to pour myself one. Tonight I started to watch The Shawshank Redemption, and in the opening sequence the character Andy Dufesne is drinking a half-bottle of whiskey. I sat and watched and felt nothing as I sipped my no-cal, caffeine-free cola, except the pleasure of seeing again a film that I've always enjoyed. No disappointment that I couldn't drink. No mouth-watering desire to go out and buy a bottle of Bacardi.

It make seem like a really small thing, but it's a sign to me that my desire not to drink is growing stronger than my desire to drink. That can only be a good thing.

Stay strong, everyone.

Small successes

2007-02-25T21:50:00.000Z

A few months ago I wouldn't have even attempted to install wireless connection for my computer on a Sunday afternoon, because I'd probably be having a nap, sleeping off a boozy lunch. No, hang on, there would have been no lunch involved - just lots of drink.

Well, it took me a while today as I'm not very technically minded, but I am now sitting downstairs, television on, gorgeous cat snuggled up beside me, with my laptop connected to the internet and NO WIRES!

And because I wasn't sleeping off several bacardis or a bottle of wine, I was able to have my niece over so I could help her with her homework, and be able to drive her home safely.

These may be small successes, but the best of all is managing another sober day.

Time flies

2007-02-10T11:32:00.000Z

I see a sky like this most days on my way to work and it always makes me smile.

Hard for me to believe how time passes so quickly these days. When I was drinking, it speeded up and slowed down - when it was slow, I drank to speed it up, and then curse myself because I wasted so much time sleeping it off or recovering. I suppose I drank to fill the emptiness, to try and relax, to try and escape, and all I succeeded in doing was waste a precious resource - time.

Now time flies by on its own. Even the long journey to work is gone in the blink of an eye. The first time I look at my watch during the day I'm always astonished to find how late it is - if it weren't for my stomach growling around midday, I'd probably miss lunch and only realise that it was getting late because it was growing dark outside.

I don't need to drink to fill the emptiness any more, because the emptiness has already been filled.

I don't need to drink to try and relax, because I find that I can switch off and unwind without it.

I don't need to drink to try and escape, because there is no escape. Most of the things I was trying to escape are still there and they won't go away so instead of trying to escape them, I'm trying to work on them instead. They aren't big things, it was never the size of the problems that got me down, it was the sheer number of them. Now I'm applying the same one-day-at-a-time approach to problem solving: one at a time. Feeling I had to deal with everything at once was so daunting that I think that's one of the reasons I drank, because it was too scary to contemplate all the things that needed to be done or changed.

One at a time, I can do.

New life

2007-01-26T18:05:00.000Z

I really do feel as if I've been born into a new life.

An example - I've had car problems, thought they were fixed and sent a cheque along to the mechanic. Last night the car died and I thought the brakes failed that evening as I came off the motorway and I coasted to a halt on the side of the road. Obviously the problems aren't fixed at all! I got the car going again but have to fill it up with water every 15 miles (or so it seems) even though I had a new radiator fitted on Monday. Normally that kind of experience would have me halfway down a bottle of Bacardi before I'd even got my coat off or fed the cat ... but I was just grateful that I didn't cause an accident, and that it's going back to the garage on Monday.

Another example - Earlier this week my new boss spotted an error in a calculation which impacted on the bonuses being paid to the team. It wasn't my error. I'm there as his PA, not as a finance person, but I went home feeling sick with nerves. The fact that things weren't my fault hasn't stopped previous employers giving me a bollocking. My normal response would be to get drunk, so that the hangover would detract from the dressing down I'd get the following day, but I didn't - didn't get drunk, that is, and didn't get a dressing down. I went into my boss's office, shut the door, and waited for the axe to fall, but it didn't. He knew the error wasn't mine, and he wasn't about to blame me for it. He actually didn't get angry with the person who had made the mistake, just explained where he'd gone wrong and made suggestions about how to avoid similar mistakes in the future, and then he and I set about putting the situation right. What a novel experience! Not to be blamed for something I hadn't done, not to drink out of fear and anxiety, not to come out of my boss's office in tears - something that happened all too often in my last job.

I'm almost afraid to be happy in case things go wrong and I know that's silly, so I'm just going to try and relax and enjoy being who I'm meant to be - someone who enjoys her job and is valued for it, someone who has good colleagues and good friends, someone who looks forward to chatting to God every night and someone who is grateful for being sober.

If this really is my new life, long may it last!

The 8th Dwarf

2007-01-15T20:39:00.000Z

When I was about 14 or 15 I took the role of Grumpy in the church pantomime of Snow White and the 7 Dwarves. As I could be very moody (and what teenager can't be?) the image stuck and my family still seem to think I'm in a bad mood whether I am or not. We live up to expectations or we live down to them. If someone expects you to be grumpy all the time and treats you like a moody so-and-so, you tend to behave like it. Well, I did/sometimes still do.

So on Monday, when I started to write this post, I could have got really grumpy in the car on the way home when I noticed rather a lot of steam coming out from under the bonnet.

I could have got really really grumpy to find that not only was there no oil, there was also no water, and neither of the warning lights had come on.

I topped up the water, and begged some oil from a kind neighbour, and smiled and was cheerful and tried not to be grumpy.

I went to the garage and bought oil for myself, and oil for the neighbour, and then went shopping. Because the neighbourhood isn't brilliant in places, you have to put a coin in the shopping trolley to release it from the rack, otherwise they get stolen, rammed into cars and shop windows, vandalised and dumped. I've long since stopped getting grumpy about never having a £1 coin for the trolley, so I have a handy little token on my car key-ring. I did my shopping, spent too much but was glad I didn't have the added expense of the bi-weekly bottle of rum any more and discovered, when I got back to the car, that the trolley token, mykey-ring, and my car key had disappeared!

Oh, lots of reasons to be grumpy! The assistant I spoke to shrugged and said that no-one had handed any keys in and turned away. I had to ask if she would consider putting my shopping somewhere safe while I looked for the keys and maybe she might like to help me look.

So ... frantic phone calls to a sister-in-law who wasn't there, a long wait outside in the cold, another trip into the store to ask if they could look again, another phone call to the sister-in-law to come and get me, tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat and the thought, 'I can't even have a drink to get over this when I finally get home ...'

And then one of the staff found my keys and all was well, and I went home and didn't drink, and was grateful, not grumpy ...

And the next day, on the way to work, the engine started pouring out steam and I panicked and drove to my friendly mechanic so that he could check if it was safe to drive, and he did a few tests and said yes, but he booked it in for Monday to run more thorough (and more expensive) checks. I got to work almost 3 hours after leaving home - 13 miles away - and I could have been grumpy but my new colleagues had seen me arrive from the window and had gone to get me a cup of coffee before I even got to my desk because they figured I'd need it. And my boss was stuck in traffic so he didn't even know I was late - although I told him when he arrived, and even then he didn't mind.

Had I been in my old job, had this all happened before I admitted I was drinking too much, I would have been grumpy about all the car problems. They would have been the final straw on top of my old crappy job, and I'd have gone home and drunk at least half a bottle of rum.

Financially I cannot afford to have car problems but that doesn't matter at the moment. Right now I am just so grateful that I didn't have an accident, that I have such kind colleagues and that I know a great mechanic who keeps my old heap of a car on the road. I am grateful that God was keeping an eye on me during the terrible wind storms that killed 13 people this week and kept me on the road safely despite all the car problems.

I feel for Grumpy, I really do. I sympathise with him and I have often been him in the past, but right now I ask myself how I can possibly be grumpy about simple mechanic things, like the car, when so much else, so many more important things, are going right?

So, if I could add another dwarf to Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy and Bashful, I'd add Grateful and, much as I love Grumpy and identify with him, I think I'd rather be Grateful than Grumpy.

Whichever dwarf you are, or even if you are Snow White, have a Happy day!

Positivity

2007-01-10T17:44:00.000Z

I'm not used to feeling this good, especially during the working week. I'm not used to singing along with the radio in the car on the way to work. I'm not used to voluntarily going in early and staying late.

I guess I'm not used to being happy.

So what's changed?

Basically, three things, in this order :

I stopped drinking
I started to pray each evening
I got a new job

Seems to me that if I carry on doing the first two, and enjoying the third, I can relax and get used to being happy.

That sounds like a good and simple plan for 2007: don't drink: pray, work hard and be happy. Let's see how that works or if I manage to sabotage it somehow. I'm usually so good at sabotage but this time I think I can make it.

New job update

2007-01-05T18:42:00.000Z

Happy feet? Happy everything!

This is me, skipping down the corridor of my new office!

I was looking for a new job for 8 months. I was so miserable in my last job that the only thing I had to look forward to was a drink when I got home in the evenings. It didn't matter that it made me feel thick-headed in the mornings - I felt sick at the thought of another day in the office whether I drank or not.

I realised that the amount I was drinking was making the problem worse, even if it was temporarily alleviating the symptoms, and I stopped on 1 October. I started reading the blogs of people who had also made the decision - long before I did in many cases - to stop drinking alcohol and one thing that came over loud and clear in so many of the blogs I read was the concept of turning my life over to God and accepting His will.

I always swim against the tide but, one week, when I had three interviews, all of which I thought would be good jobs, I did say to God in prayer that I would leave it up to Him which job - if any - I got. I said that I knew He would make the right choice for me and that I would accept whatever He chose for me.

Within a few days I had been offered a new job and ... see picture at the top of this blog. It was the right job. I know it's only been 4 working days, but so far I'm loving it!

And the point of this post? I guess it's that other people's experiences and advice may inform and enlighten me, and point me in the right direction, but I can only really learn from my own mistakes and experiences. I made the mistake of thinking I was in charge of my own life, but once I asked for help and guidance, I received it.

I find it hard to take advice, so I try not to give it: all I can do is share my experience of having a prayer answered when I was at the end of my endurance. I hope that others may find a way to the support they need before they reach the point I did.

Happy New Year!

2007-01-01T14:41:00.000Z

I hope your 2006 went out with a bang and that your 2007 started with one. Wait, I mean bang in the sense of the noise of fireworks, not bang in the American sense of ... oh well, either way, I hope you had a good one!

The end of 2006 was a lot more peaceful - and sober! - than the end of 2005. I had planned to spend New Year's Eve with a very good friend (unfortunately a heavy-drinking friend) with lots and lots of party food and the inevitable glass of champagne, which I knew I'd have difficulty refusing. Luckily for me - but unluckily for my friend - a severe dose of 'flu meant she spent the whole day in bed and I stayed at home, with my favourite television programmes, a glass of diet coke and my knitting! Hurrah! A sober new year!

Setting myself a target of 100 sober days in 2006 really worked for me and I'm pleased to say I made it. I've thought long and hard about what will work for me in 2007 and decided that setting a goal of staying sober just for today isn't enough. It means that if, one day, I have a drink, I'll have to go straight back to counting from day 1, and I'm far too competitive for that, so I've set myself a target of 250 sober days in 2007. 250 days is a minimum - it doesn't mean that I can stay sober until 7 September (250th day of the year!) and then go mad.

I know this is NOT the way most of you approach (not) drinking, but I know myself, and I know that I probably will manage way, way more than 250 days, but having that 'get out' clause without finding myself back at square one is what (I think) will work for me.

I'll let you know how I'm getting on, and in the meantime, I wish you all a very happy, healthy and sober 2007!

Home again

2006-12-29T22:56:00.000Z

I met an old lover at Christmas. I knew he would be there, waiting for me, and I knew I would run to his arms. I thought that he would embrace me the moment I arrived at my holiday destination and never let me go. He opened his arms to me, but I said no that first night. I had factored in the number of days I could love him, and still reach my 100 alcohol-free days before the end of the year, so I resisted. He didn't push me. We shared a kiss and a cuddle over the next few days, and I realised that, although I enjoyed his touch, I didn't crave it as I once did. I drank in his love, his warmth, the familiarity of his embrace, but I didn't let him overpower me and now, now that I am back in my own home, I am raising a final glass to him.

I love drink. I love drinking. I love the taste and the freedom.

I hate drink. I hate drinking. I hate the compulsion and the tyranny.

It was great to meet my old lover again and spend time with him, because I know now that he is no good for me. I can't live with him, and I can't live without him.

I know now that I want to live without him. He and I may have a one night stand from time to time, but I will never allow him to dominate me again.

I am grateful for having had this opportunity to sort out my feelings towards my lover, my drink, my bottle. I am grateful for the discovery that, although I love him, I love myself more, I love the person I can be without him, without my drink, without my bottle.

Step 1. I admit that I am powerless over alcohol.

Freezing fog ...

2006-12-22T01:20:00.000Z

... has brought the country's airports to a standstill. I'm hoping that it will clear by tomorrow as I'm (supposed to be) flying up to Manchester to spend Christmas with friends. All flights from my local airport going north were cancelled today.

This may be my last post until I get back next week, depending on the flight situation! So, in case I am not able to log on while I'm away, I wish all my friends in blogland a very happy and peaceful Christmas.

Have fun, everyone, and thanks for all your support and kind comments over the past 3 months. I'm looking forward to continuing my journey with you all in the new year.

xxx

Sober leaving party

2006-12-20T22:54:00.000Z

Well, I did it! Today was my last day at work, the office Christmas lunch for 65 people (organized by me) and an after-lunch pub session followed by a meal out. Three different places that sell alcohol and loads of people wanting to buy me a farewell drink. Yesterday I was really stressing about it - so much to do, hardly any time to do it in, potential for tears as I said goodbye to some of the friends I've made, potential for squirming embarrassment if the Managing Director did the decent/normal/human thing of thanking me and giving me a leaving card - and I was muttering to myself all last evening, 'I'll want a drink, I know I'll want a bloody drink.'

But I didn't want a drink after all, when the time came. The Managing Director stood up to make a speech before our lunch arrived and said, 'Christmas again ... blah blah ... this time last year ... blah blah ... aren't we great, haven't we done well ... blah blah ... Linda's leaving ... blah blah ... this time next year ... new contract ... blah blah...'

He sat down and started tucking in to his food and then said, 'Oh, I forgot,' and ambled over to me and handed me a gift bag without a single word, and then went back to his seat. I'm so glad I was sober, because I can remember clearly that that moment just summed up why I was leaving - the totally appalling way the staff are treated as second-class citizens - and reassured me that I have made the right decision to leave.

That aside, a really good time was had by all, and almost everyone came over at some point to wish me luck and thank me for all I'd done. I have a card with signatures and good wishes from everyone, and I have the most gorgeous necklace and bracelet I've ever seen. They're hand-made in silver with amethyst and blue lace agate and each piece by this designer is unique. They must have cost a fortune and I was really touched to realise how much people thought of me, even if the managing director didn't have the grace or the manners to say goodbye or do a proper presentation.

A whole bunch of us went to the pub and I stayed sober there, too. After a few hours we went into town to a new Greek restaurant and they all drank red wine, and I drank water. At 10 I left them in town - they were off to another bar but I was beginning to feel tired and it was time for me to come home.

I stayed sober at my own leaving do! My friends and colleagues won't remember me as someone who got drunk and bad-mouthed the company and the boss, and got too loud and fell over. They will remember me as I want to be remembered - funny, friendly, professional, and sober.

I don't talk about God much in this blog, but I am grateful to Him for giving me the strength to say no to all the offers of alcohol I've had today.

Another sober day to add to all the others on the chalkboard in my kitchen. Another night I shall go to bed and fall asleep because I'm tired, not pass out because I'm drunk. It feels good. It feels very good.

Last day at work

2006-12-16T23:34:00.000Z

My last day at work isn't until Wednesday, so I haven't had to face the pressure of having a 'few' farewell drinks yet - I've just been trying to plan ahead (ie plan not to!) because until saying no becomes second nature, I find it easier to follow a course of action I've rehearsed.

I'm feeling quite strong at the moment (and I know pride comes before a fall, so I'm careful not to be proud of myself!) and I'm not sure why. It could be because now I know I'm leaving my awful job for a new one, I don't feel so miserable. It could be because I'm enjoying feeling mentally alert right to the end of the day. It could be because it's so nice not to wake up in a sweat in the night with a raging thirst and a horrible taste in my mouth. Whatever the reason, I'm very grateful.

Planning NOT to drink

2006-12-14T19:47:00.000Z

My last day at work is looming over the horizon and it co-incides with our Christmas lunch - all paid for by the company, including drinks. Some of the friends I've made there have been planning to go into town after the lunch and so many of them have made alternative transport arrangements so that they can 'get wrecked', 'let their hair down' (which means get wrecked) or 'see you off in style' (which also means get wrecked).

I'd been thinking how much I'd like a drink at the Christmas lunch, how much I feel I've earned it after the awful, awful time I've had at that company, and I've been muttering defiantly, 'I'm going to have a drink, I deserve a drink, I never said I was giving up forever.'

But I've thought about it, and I can't be sure it would be just 'a' drink. Certainly heading into town afterwards to hit the bars almost guarantees that I'd come home singing off-key in a taxi or falling over in the street, so I've made up my mind.

Today I sent an email to the colleague who's co-ordinating the after-lunch trip into town to say, 'I'll join you, but I shan't be drinking. I need to keep a clear head, and I'll be driving, so I'll be on soft drinks only.' I'm beginning to find that it's easier just to say no than try and convince myself to stick to 'just the one'. If I was able to stick to 'just the one' I wouldn't be here in the first place!

I guess you'd call that progress?

Regular disappointment ...

2006-12-11T11:47:00.000Z

I was going to delete this post because I did spend a pleasant couple of hours at my brother's house. He had cancelled his tennis match (he says) and the rest of the family was there after all - eventually. I decided to leave the post as it stands, to remind myself of how I can get so upset, and how it's always led to drinking. If I'd had a drink this afternoon after the 'phone call I'd have gone round in a bad mood. As it was, I'd accepted that this was all I was going to see of them over Christmas so I'd better make the most of it. I'm still disappointed though.

I don't know why I'm even surprised at my family - this happens almost every time I have any contact with them.

'My family' consists of my brother, his wife and their 2 children. They live about a mile away and I see them if I drop in on them - I'm never invited there for a meal or anything. My sister-in-law's mother is there every week from about 40 miles away to spend the day and have a meal with them.

Anyway, they are off to Thailand this Christmas - they leave on Thursday. I asked when I was going to see them so that I could give the girls their presents and my sister-in-law said Monday - today. Then I got an email to say that my brother and my eldest niece would be out so there would just be 2 of them. Not the whole family then. I've taken the day off today and called to say that I could come round earlier so that I could see all of them and it turns out that my younger niece is going out as well, and my sister-in-law is going into town! My elder niece is poorly so isn't going out after all, so, as my sister-in-law said, 'Come round anyway. Someone will be here to let you in.'

Well, merry Christmas, family. You go off to have a lovely time in Thailand. Don't even bother to set aside one evening for me. I've been good enough for years and years to babysit, I've been good enough to drop everything whenever my elder niece (now 16) has a boyfriend crisis, but I'm not good enough for you to spare one evening before Christmas. Thanks. Merry bloody Christmas to you.

If I'd had this kind of telephone conversation with my sister-in-law last Christmas I'd have hung up and promptly poured myself a rum and coke and made myself even more depressed, but I'm not going to do it today. All I'd be doing is adding a hangover to the disappointment.

It hurts me to say this, but I'll say it anyway. They are not worth it.

6 Weird Things About Me

2006-12-10T10:25:00.000Z

This seems to be the blogging equivalent of those email snowballs you get at this time of year!

6 Weird Things About Me - tough choice, there are so many weird things about me!

I like rats, mice, bats and snakes.
When someone gives me directions to get somewhere, my brain shuts down and I still get lost.
I would rather spend Christmas alone than with friends or family, but have only once managed to co-ordinate my excuses to do that!
I don't like New Year celebrations - too much pressure to have fun.
I have already planned my 'exit' if I get too old, infirm or ga-ga to look after myself but I will be too old, infirm and ga-ga to carry it out!

I tag... Shannon, Shadow ... and everyone else on my list seems to have already been tagged! So I shall be spending my Sunday stalking bloggers who have remained tag-free! Keep looking over your shoulder, I'll be there somewhere, waiting to tag you!

The Rules - Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog!

Drinking nightmare come true!

2006-12-09T02:32:00.000Z

When I was drinking I was always careful to stay under the drink-driving limit but there were times, I admit, when I wasn't careful enough, or when my calculations erred on the side of generous. Driving back from friends' houses in the car late at night, if I saw a police car in the rear-view mirror my heart would stop. I'd be terrified of being pulled over for any reason - like speeding, or having a faulty light - because I'd know that if they smelled any alcohol I'd be breathalised and, for all my careful calculations, I just know that sometimes I'd have been over the limit.

Tonight, on a long trip home from a concert at 2am, a police van pulled in behind me. It followed me into the road that peters out into a track going into woodland and I told myself that maybe someone had reported a disturbance in the woods. I turn left before the woods - so did the van. I turned left again - so did the van. I turned into my road, which is a cul-de-sac. The road goes nowhere. You get to the end and you have to turn around to get out again. I turned into my driveway, and the police van pulled up outside my house.

My heart didn't stop. It didn't pound. I was a bit concerned but I wasn't terrified. I got out and asked the officer if everything was OK and he said, 'Your brake light is out. We were called to a shout in your road and I said to my colleague, that poor woman must be really worried with us behind her!'

This poor woman smiled and apologised about the brake light, and the officer said with a smile, 'Oh, don't worry about it, just get it fixed asap - you don't want to get pulled over by the police, it's a £30 fine!'

He could have fined me, but he didn't. If this had happened 3 months ago he'd have smelled alcohol on me and he would have breathalised me and fined me for the brake light. I may or may not have been over the limit. I may or may not have lost my licence.

Thank God my nightmare about being pulled over by the police ended the way it did.

Thank God I've seen sense about my drinking and stopped.

Countdown

2006-12-07T08:51:00.000Z

News that I've handed my notice in is beginning to filter through the company and there have been a few people who've waylayed me in the corridor to congratulate me on 'getting out' and wish me well for the future. The majority of those people have suggested that we go out for 'a few drinks' one lunchtime before I leave and although my resolve is strong at the moment, I'm feeling the teeniest bit resentful: I'm leaving this awful place! Over the past 20 months I've had the life and soul sucked out of me and I'm not the happy, relaxed, confident person I was when I joined. I've worked very hard to find a new job. Why shouldn't I celebrate with a few drinks?

If I could be sure that it would be just a few drinks I'd probably cave in but, to be honest, I can't say with my hand on my heart that I could stop again once I'd started. So, despite the golden opportunity to unleash the party me and accept all the free drinks I'm offered to celebrate my leaving, I'm going to stick to soft drinks.

And to remind myself that getting drunk isn't any fun, I've added another 'horror story' to my separate blog - links can be found through my profile (until I work out how to add it to the sidebar of this blog!)

Today's the day!

2006-12-05T08:54:00.000Z

Today's the day I hand in my notice at work - 4pm, to be precise. I've scheduled my regular 1:1 meeting with my line manager for then and in a way I'm looking forward to it, and in another way I am sick with nerves. It's 85% down to him that I'm leaving: his appalling (mis)management of his team (me and 2 others), his lack of communication, his total disinterest in my career, and the fact that he blatantly lied about the job when I came for interview and has done nothing to address my concerns in the 20 months I've been here. I've been the first to defend him to others when things weren't his fault, but I'm not going to carry on letting him get away with all the shit he's been putting me through. I can't let some other poor person get interviewed for my job and end up being as unhappy, demotivated, disenchanted and stressed as I have become, so I'm also sending a letter to the Chief Exec and the MD to explain my reasons - because my line manager sure as hell will try and gloss things over.

I hate confrontation so this afternoon is going to be hard for me. Once upon a time, in a galaxy not very far from where I am right now, I'd have had a drink as soon as I got in from work to 'get over it' (or to celebrate having done it!) but I'm not going to tonight ...

Later that same day ...

I did it. I told my line manager I was leaving. I remained polite and calm. He knew some of my reasons but did not acknowledge his part in my decision. That doesn't matter, he will have to answer to someone other than me for that. I didn't back down on any of the points I made. I came out of his office and went back to mine, which I share with someone who has been, shall we say, difficult and unfriendly, and sometimes downright nasty to me, over the past 20 months. When I told her I was leaving she looked horrified, said, 'Oh no! You can't go!' and jumped up and hugged me and started to cry. Wow! I know a lot of that is because she's going to end up with a lot of my work while they look for someone else but she did seem genuinely sorry that I was going and I thought, all the time she was being difficult and unfriendly and downright nasty, I took it from her and was pleasant back to her, thinking that I was a mug for not answering back or making a fuss, but actually I was doing the right thing.

After that I went to see an ex-colleague who left in the summer. She had the same line manager as me and she couldn't work with him any longer, for the same reasons I couldn't, so she left. Funny, that.

Anyway, the deed is done, the glass of celebratory diet coke has been drunk, and this exhausted blogger is going to bed!

I hope you all sleep well tonight. I know I shall, for the first time in weeks!

Christmas cards

2006-12-03T09:58:00.000Z

On the first Saturday night in December, I always write my Christmas cards. On the first Sunday in December I used to have to open them all up again to see what I'd written in them. I used to write my cards with first one, then two, then three and more glasses of wine and get more and more emotional as the evening and the pile of Christmas cards lengthened. Usually I hadn't written anything embarrassing, but often the handwriting had become illegible.

Last night I started to write my Christmas cards. This morning I don't need to open any of the envelopes to check the contents. What a bonus to not drinking! No hangover on a Sunday morning and 2 extra hours that would normally be spent opening and re-writing my cards!

Before I forget ...

2006-12-02T15:44:00.000Z

... something spooky's just happened.

This morning, before I was properly awake, but when I was no longer asleep, I had the drowsy random thought that I would probably never hear a particular song again. It was a song I loved from the very early '70s, '72, I think. I only had it on one of those 'flexi-discs', a 7-inch record made of thin plastic that were sometimes given away free on magazines, and although it was popular at the time, it wasn't a huge hit, and it's almost never played on the radio.

This afternoon, sitting at the computer and getting stuck on the continuation of my novel, I was rather grumpily working out in my head that if I want to get my 100 sober days in before the end of the year I might be able to have a drink on New Year's Eve, or actually at Christmas, but I certainly couldn't have one today, although I do want one. I stood up to go downstairs and check the calendar to count the days and make sure I couldn't squeeze a drink in tonight and I heard three distinctive notes on the radio - the song I'd been half-thinking, half-dreaming of this morning!

So I turned the radio up and sang along and now I don't want a drink any more, the desire has passed.

It may sound ridiculous, but it's little things like this that tell me God does actually care about me. I know He exists, but I feel bad about making calls on His time, when there is so much else going on the world, and so many other people with much greater needs than mine. It's as if I don't feel important enough to Him. Something as simple as that song just now on the radio is like a hand on my shoulder and a voice saying, 'You're doing great and I'm here for you, you just have to ask - oh, and I was listening, I am always listening, even when you're not asking, so here's that song.'

Right, I'm going to stop crying now and get on with my novel, now that I've had my musical reminder that what I do does matter.

Broken wrist

2006-12-01T13:07:00.000Z

No, not now! I've been reading MC's blog - problems with her back, poor thing - and I was reminded of the time I broke my wrist, just over 2 years ago. I fell over backwards, put my hand out to save myself, and fell awkwardly onto it, fracturing the radius and the ulna. Everyone, without exception, assumed I'd been drunk. I was most offended because I was stone cold sober, it was 8 in the morning and I'd just put on a pair of new shoes that were higher than I normally wear, and I wobbled and fell.

That first evening I decided that, apart from having a month off work in mid-summer, but not being able to drive the car to go anywhere to enjoy it, the very worst thing about breaking my wrist was that I couldn't uncork a bottle of wine. I was so frustrated that I went to my next-door neighbour (a non-drinker because she's never liked the taste) with bottle and corksrew and asked her to help me. She did so, but gave me a very disapproving look and asked me if I thought it was a good idea while I was on the horse-strength pain-killers I'd been given. I said that I only wanted a small glass, and that the bottle would probably last a week. Who was I trying to kid? Only my neighbour - I knew I'd finish it all in one go.

Not wanting to spend the next month trying different neighbours every night to open my wine for me, I discovered the joys online grocery shopping and screw-top bottles.

After the first month I was signed off for another 4 weeks. The time just flew past - day-time television and at least one bottle of wine daily. What a wicked waste of 2 months at home! I shan't be wasting time like that again, that much I do know!

Happiness!

2006-11-29T12:50:00.000Z

I DID IT!

I passed the 50,000 word mark around midday, 29 November. The novel - The Living and the Dead - is not finished and won't be until some time in December, but the deal was to get 50,000 words done in November and I've done it!

So that's my goal for December - finish the novel. It will be the first I've completed since 1996, and it will really set me back on track for the new year.

I love goals (when I complete them, that is!) I've completed my goal of a totally sober October, and I'm going to complete my goal of 100 sober days in 2006 as long as I don't slip badly at Christmas, and I've completed my November goal of writing 50,000 words. I've succeeded in my 2006 goal of finding a new job and I am H - A - P - P - Y!

And now I'm going to go and reward myself - NO, not with a drink, with a nap! I'm exhausted!

Sadness

2006-11-29T00:11:00.000Z

A fellow blogger posted yesterday about feeling sad for no apparant reason, just feeling sad and tired. I haven't asked her permission to link to that post, so I haven't, but it got me thinking.

I've suffered from depression most of my life, although it was only diagnosed 10 years ago, and I've been taking anti-depressants ever since. My depression is the chemical-imbalance kind, not due in particular to any trauma in my life, although traumas coming on top of my depression do tend to be overwhelming, which is what had me beating a path to my doctor's door in the first place.

Having a sad day used to scare me because on top of feeling sad was the fear that it was the start of a major cycle of depression. There was also the fear that I was not allowed to be sad or down. Now, that was an irrational fear based on things like the fact my dad would always comment when I was miserable, but never when I was happy, so I felt that I was never happy enough. And my mother, who I think probably suffered terribly from depression herself but never went to the doctor about it or took anything for it, often used to say that I was the only person who could make her laugh. No pressure on me then! So if I had a down day it became a major source of anxiety to me - no-one would love me any more if I wasn't making them laugh! My mum would get even more depressed if I couldn't cheer her up! - so what did I do to cheer myself up? Why, I had a 'nice' drink, of course! If I was going out with a group of friends (all of whom saw me as the unpaid cabaret, it often seemed to me) I'd have to get into the mood by having a drink before I went out to meet them. Of course, alcohol being a depressant meant that by trying to make myself feel better, I was actually making myself feel worse!

Because I now understand my fears and my need to put on a cheerful act for others, I don't need to drink to mask those fears. I never needed to drink to mask them, I just needed to understand them. What was left after I understood myself better was the very very bad habit of automatically pouring a drink whenever I felt any strong emotion, positive or negative, and it's that habit I'm trying to break now (and still succeeding!)

Nowadays I accept sadness for what it is. Most of the time if I'm sad I know why, and if there seems to be no reason for it, well, I just accept that we can't all be happy all of the time. I no longer have the fear that one sad day is going to lead to weeks of not even being able to drag myself out of bed and get dressed.

Understanding a problem and wanting to solve it will bring you at least half way to a solution. I understand better now why I used to drink and I want to stop, so I know that I can, as long as I take it one day at a time.

The finishing line

2006-11-27T09:02:00.000Z

I thought that having a new job lined up and heading towards the finishing line here would make my current place of work easier to bear. I arrived this morning and for the first 20 minutes everything was fine but now - for a stupid, pathetic reason - I feel close to tears and want to say, 'Screw the lot of you' and walk out. But I can't and now I just have to sit here with this feeling. It's too early in the day for me to even think about wanting a drink, but the thought did cross my mind and I realise that the thought is always going to cross my mind when things go wrong for me - it's what I do that counts though, and by the time I get home the feeling will have gone, the thought will have gone, and I shall have another sober day.

Later that same day

Lunch out with a friend, a chat, and sanity and good humour are restored. Hurrah for friends!

2006-11-24T08:44:00.000Z

I was offered a job on Tuesday! And I only went for the interview that morning! I really got on well with the man I'd be working for and felt we had an instant understanding (no, it was not a lust thing - I don't fancy him and I'm probably old enough to be his mother). Before that I had a chat with an HR person and had to trot out the same old answers to the same old questions: 'Can you give me an example of a time when you .... ' It's so hard to answer those questions and sound fresh and enthusiastic when you've answered them a dozen times (more, in my case!) because you don't want to sound as if you've been looking for work for more than 6 months and are getting desperate. I felt a bit deflated after that. Then I had a test on Excel, which I am not good at - just basic add and subtract, really! So I couldn't do all of that, and some of the bits I could do were pure fluke ... At the end of the Excel test I almost said I didn't think there was any point in wasting the European Financial Director's time but I thought, 'I've come this far...'

Anyway, we seemed to hit it off, he said I was one of the strongest candidates he'd seen (he hadn't seen my Excel test results though ...) and that he only had one more person to see. I went home and phoned the agency to tell them how it had gone and they'd just got off the phone with him - he hadn't even seen this afternoon's candidate and he wanted to offer me the job!

YIPPEE!

The extra salary will be eaten up with petrol costs because it's 17 miles away, and although it's a shorter working week, my day will be longer because of the travel but I don't care, it's a proper job, doing proper work, not just sorting out the post and reporting leaking toilets like I've been doing for the past 18 months. They want me to start on 2 January. That means I don't have to give my notice in until 5 December, and I'm on holiday from 21 December until 3 January anyway (offices close, plus I've taken 2 days extra). With the overtime I've done recently, and the holiday I'll have accrued to the end of the year, I could actually finish on 11 December - effectively only 1 week's notice. How funny that would be, considering it takes them a good 3 months to get around to even placing an ad for staff ... HA HA HA! And I wouldn't feel bad AT ALL about leaving certain colleagues to pick up the pieces, seeing as they've been so quick to put me down all the time. If they think they can do the job better or do without me, let them try.

I will miss some of my colleagues. Some, I can't wait to see the back of...

I've been drinking vastly more since working here because I've been so miserable. I hoped that by stopping drinking I'd feel better about this place, but I hate it just as much, but with a clearer head. It's going to be GREAT to start off the new year in a new job and without a hangover... Mind you, I have to get through new year's eve first and that's always been a very very drunken night for me in the past. Not this time though - I am determined!

Two things

2006-11-22T22:28:00.000Z

There are 2 things I want to post about tonight but maybe one can wait until tomorrow. We'll see how long part 1 gets!

Last night I watched a documentary made earlier this year which followed 4 alcoholics during and after their stays in hospital, and after the documentary there was an interview with the doctor and a couple of other speakers on drinking in the UK.

Of the 4 people the documentary followed, 2 died during the making of it. One was a young single mother who drank, she said, out of boredom. She didn't consider herself an alcoholic because she didn't drink every day. She did binge drink, though, on a very regular basis. She was brought into hospital after a binge because she was vomiting blood and had lost 4 pints before she even got to hospital. She made it after that binge and said she wouldn't drink 'as much' again. But she did, and a few days later she was dead. She was 23.

The other person who died had been sober for 10 years, but the damage he had caused to his liver prior to that could not be repaired. Because he had been sober for so long he would have been considered for a liver transplant but his condition deteriorated so quickly that there was no time to even get him on the waiting list.

The third was a man of 29 who was drinking 2 bottles of vodka a day. The whites of his eyes were completely yellow. When he got drunk he self-harmed, and his chances of survival were only 50/50.

The last person was a woman of 43. She said herself she looked 63 and that was generous. After 8 weeks in hospital she swore she'd never drink again. Within hours of going home she was back on the vodka and, although she says she's happier and drinks less than she did, her mobility has been affected and she now walks with a frame.

It was a 'sobering' film, and although it showed the very depths of these people's lives, ultimately I don't think it will have any effect on the watchers' drinking habits, because these people were 'extreme'. It is too easy to look at these people and say, 'Two bottles of vodka a day? No wonder they're like that! I don't drink that much.'

I think the film would have been far more shocking, and ultimately have had more impact, if they had shown a handful of people who thought their drinking was 'normal' and looked at the health problems that was causing. A huge percentage of the population, according to a survey I read today, are far more worried about diet, lack of sleep and too much stress than they are about drinking, yet the number of alcohol-related illnesses is climbing every day, and drinkers are getting younger.

If I'd seen a documentary about someone who drank the same amount as I used to (which I considered a bit above normal but hey, I was used to it, I could handle it) and then found out the health problems that were already underway, I may have given up or at least cut down years ago. Programmes about extreme behaviour don't do anything for self-awareness, they just widen the gulf between 'them' and 'us', and make it harder for 'us' to identify with the problem.

I'll get down off my soap-box now and save my other news for tomorrow!

My earliest addiction

2006-11-20T22:32:00.000Z

My earliest addiction was - and still is - story-telling. I started putting it all on paper a little over 30 years ago and at my most prolific I wrote 5 novels in one year, while doing a full-time job. I wasn't drinking then. Funny, that...

I've never had anything published, but that isn't the main point of my writing (although it would be lovely to have a royalty cheque). The point is that while I'm writing, I am creating a whole world, one that absorbs me and makes me laugh and cry and want to dance and sing. I would like other people to enjoy that world too, and one day it will happen, I know it.

The last novel I completed was about 10 years ago. A lot happened in between 1992 - 1995. I'd always enjoyed a drink but the events of that period - nothing unusual, nothing other people don't have to go through in their lives - put a pressure on me that I couldn't handle and I think that's when my drinking became more of a problem.

A few weeks before I decided I was going to quit drinking (not forever, you understand, just to make sure I could - how many people have you heard say that?) I discovered a writing competition - National Novel Writing Month. The prize was the pride in being able to say, 'I completed a 50,000 word novel in a month.' Day 1 of novel-writing, 1 November, coincided with the first month anniversary of my last drink. Hangover-free, no longer mentally pouring my next drink, I've found my mind has been free to indulge in my real, guilt-free, addiction: writing. The hardest part is knowing when to stop! I could keep on writing all night tonight - it's flowing so well - but I have work in the morning and although it's a horrible job that I loathe, I still have enough pride to want to show up and do it well.

Instead of taking a final drink to bed, which I used to do, I'm taking my main characters with me. I'll be thinking about what they'll be doing next on the page, not when I can have another drink. It's been a nice evening, me, my computer, a sandwich and a diet coke - and the blogs of others who are re-discovering what life is really all about without alcohol casting its shadow.

Goodnight. See you tomorrow.

Early blog

2006-11-19T19:24:00.000Z

It's early to be writing my blog, but I want to turn off the internet and go downstairs, make something to eat (I've been living on crisps and eccles cakes today) and settle down in front of the last of the Lord of the Rings trilogy on television. I lent my DVD copy to someone and haven't seen it (or her!) since, so I'm looking forward to seeing it again, even if it is going to be interrupted by adverts.

As I was 'telling' my millenium story on my blog last night I thought it might be good for me if I wrote down all my drink-induced horror stories - maybe on a separate blog, not here. Over the years I've honed them into highly-amusing after dinner stories, playing up the funny bits, and glossing over the parts where I threw up or fell over, or made phone calls that still make me cringe ... It's not as if I'm going to forget how awful it can be to be so drunk, but as I notch up another sober day it's a bit too easy to tell myself that I really wasn't that bad. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I was that bad - not every day, but increasingly. The trend was definitely upwards, I just got better at hiding it and explaining it away. At the moment it feels as if I've stopped myself in time, before I've hit rock bottom, but I can't afford to become complacent.

I just need to think of what horror stories to put in and which to leave out!

After a good night's sleep ...

2006-11-18T23:43:00.000Z

... I felt a bit better. I planned to work on my novel all day before going to the theatre with a friend, but after being awake for only two hours I felt so tired and headachey I just had to go back to bed and lie down for an hour. The hour turned into almost 7 and I got up again at 5pm! I thought that now I don't spend my evenings getting drunk, I wouldn't need to spend the days sleeping it off, but evidently I needed a few extra hours today.

I picked my friend up and we went to the theatre in a nearby town. We were having such a laugh in the car that we missed the turning and twelve miles further down the motorway, she said, 'Shouldn't we be there by now?' We still got there in time, found our seats and sat down just as the curtain went up.

Once upon a time I'd have wanted to get to the theatre really early so that I could have a drink at the bar before the show started, and order drinks for the half-time interval. From about halfway through the first act I'd be fidgetting because I'd need to go to the loo - all the alcohol would have worked its way through me. This time I could enjoy the show without worrying about where the nearest toilet was, and whether my drink would be waiting for me at the interval. When you're only drinking diet coke, it's not such a big deal!

The show was great, a parody on the life of the Bronte sisters, called 'Withering Looks'. We laughed 'til we cried and it was a great evening out.

Sue is one of the few friends who has witnessed a spectacularly bad drinking episode of mine. Most of my heavy drinking was done at home, solo, with no witnesses, but Sue has seen the worst of it - it happened at her house, millenium new year. I'd been drinking heavily before I even got there (her husband came and picked me up) and I proceeded to drink the best part of a bottle of whisky during the evening. By about 10pm all thoughts of staying up to see in the new year had gone - I just wanted to lie down so I went upstairs and fell asleep on the floor in one of the bedrooms. Just before midnight, Sue came to wake me up so that I could wish everyone a happy new year, and have a glass of champagne.

So, along with everyone else at the party, I went out into the street, hugged strangers, wished them happy new year, and went back upstairs to lie down again. The champagne on top of all the whisky, the lack of food to soak it up, and the extremely over-heated bedroom all got too much for me and I decided I had to have some fresh air. I knelt on the bed, opened the window and the fresh air hit me and I threw up out of the window. Once I started I couldn't stop. I could hear everyone downstairs groan in disgust and slam the windows shut. I hoped that no-one had parked their car under the window, because I was still throwing up.

The first thing I heard in the morning was the sound of Sue's husband hosing down the drive. When I could move without being sick again into the basin she'd kindly put there for me in the night, he drove me home, waving aside my apologies.

Sue's kept my secret and never told anyone about that disgusting episode. I am very very lucky she's still my friend and I am very very glad that I will never embarrass myself like that again.

Another week over

2006-11-17T21:22:00.000Z

Another sober Friday night! That's 7 in a row ... and every day in between!

I'd like to say that I feel like a new woman - physically and emotionally. In fact, I feel very much like the 'old' one, only moreso. Now that there is no alcohol to numb me to certain things, I cannot help but face up to the fact that I don't always like myself, that I doubt my ability (even more because of these last 6 months of trying to find another job, only to be rejected every single time) and that I cannot see a good future for myself. Drinking helped me become deaf, dumb and blind, if only temporarily, to the things I didn't like about myself, and the things that scared me. I feel that I just don't 'fit' anywhere, and drinking used to help me fit. Now that I don't have the alcohol to smooth off the rough edges I need to learn new ways of fitting, or accepting that I don't fit.

Maybe it's because I'm so very tired that everything seems black at the moment, so I'll go to bed and hope that everything looks a little brighter in the morning. At least I can look forward to a hangover-free morning - that's something to be happy about!

Time flies

2006-11-15T09:07:00.000Z

Time flies when you're drinking, or so it seems. Actually, you're either passed out for a good chunk of time or you simply don't remember it.

I had forgotten that time can fly when you're sober, too. How I ever found the time to drink I don't know! I'm not saying that I have more energy now, but I do feel less sluggish when I wake up.

It's been a busy few days since my last post - and about to get busier - and I've been suffering from the mother and father of all colds that is threatening to turn nasty because I'm not able to take time off work and stay at home to get better. Last time I was sick like this was about 4-5 years ago. I used to tell people that I didn't get colds because the alcohol killed the germs before they could get hold of me, and I must admit at the weekend I did think longingly of my favourite cold remedies - Lemsip laced with rum, or simply drinking huge quantities of rum and coke, to sweat the cold out of my system. I've been turning out my kitchen cupboards and I keep finding little boxes of hot toddy sachets, mulled wine sachets, and mulled wine spiced syrup ... It all points to how much I was drinking regularly.

On Friday night I went out with 4 former colleagues. I drank diet coke at the pub before we went to the restaurant, and at the restaurant I drank water. All but one of my friends kept asking me why I wasn't drinking (my responses ranged from, I'm taking too many paracetemol for my cold to risk it/I've got an early start in the morning/I don't feel like it/I can't taste it at the moment with this cold so it's a waste) and they all kept on joking that I'd been abducted by aliens and a stranger had been left in my place. I did feel quite alien - not myself, not the life and soul and not really very interested in anything any of them had to say - and that wasn't a nice feeling at all. I wonder if I was always so quick to drink to fit in with these people? Individually they're very nice, but I never did enjoy going out in groups ...

I'm going out again tonight with a couple of colleagues. We're all very stressed and tempers are frayed. I think I'd rather stay at the hotel! But I'll go and be sociable, and I won't retreat into my usual ploy of a few drinks to make the evening go more smoothly. I'll get the hang of this sobriety lark if it kills me!

Excuses and reasons

2006-11-09T08:39:00.000Z

Not so very long ago (39 days, soon to be 40, to be precise) I would find lots of excuses to drink and call them reasons, the main ones being, 'I've had a bad day' or 'I like the taste'.

Now I'm looking ahead to Friday night, when I'm going out for dinner with a group of normal-drinking friends, and next week, when I'm going to London on business and a night out is being planned before the Board meeting, and the office Christmas lunch, when the company is actually going to pay for drinks as well as a meal, and I've found myself preparing excuses not to drink - the main ones being, 'I'm driving' or 'I've got to get up early tomorrow'.

But I don't need excuses not to drink, just a reason. The reason is I don't want to.

I am grateful today that :

I don't crave a drink
Although I still wake up with a headache every day, it goes by the time I get to work
My mother encouraged the habit of prayer, because I've remembered how, and it's helping me now
Although I really really dislike my job, I do have a job, which is more than hundreds of thousands of people in this country can say
I have the opportunity to do voluntary work, which is more rewarding than I can say

A week on

2006-11-06T23:24:00.000Z

Nearly a week on from my first alcohol-free month, and I'm still sober!

It's 37 days now, and although a drink would be really, really nice, there is so much else going on that I just can't afford not to be on top form. I had an interview today, I have one tomorrow, possibly a 2nd interview on Friday for the one I went for today, and another interview next Friday. On top of that I'm trying to get ahead of my writing goal for NaNoWriMo (see banner on the right). In theory it should take a word-count of 1666 a day throughout November, but because I have so many evenings when I'm going to be out I really need to be doing almost double that!

So, you see, I can't afford to time to drink and to recover!

But I am taking the time to read the my favourite blogs, and to read a chapter from AA and/or a personal story every night, so all in all I'm as happy as I can be, and I'm happy to be sober!

I did it!

2006-11-01T08:54:00.000Z

I did it! I have completed a whole month without alcohol, and it hasn't been half as difficult as I'd feared, mainly because I've had various blogs to read to keep me inspired, so thank you to all recovering bloggers who have written with such honesty about your lives.

And now that October is over? Well, another month begins and I'm not planning to drink, and I won't let it 'just happen' either. From what I've been reading (just got my AA book and read every night before I turn out the light) it seems too easy to just somehow find yourself with a drink in your hand without really thinking about it, so I need to keep in mind at all times that I do not drink.

The longest I've ever gone without alcohol since I started to drink regularly is 40 days - the 40 days of Lent. Up until about 4 years ago I was able to give up alcohol for Lent with no problem, but I'd always have a celebratory drink on Easter Monday and carry on drinking for the rest of the year. So I know I can do 40 days, and that's my next goal - Thursday 9 November will be 40 days of 'not Lent', and after that it's all uncharted waters for me.

I'm looking forward to the voyage of discovery ...

Happy Hallowe'en!

2006-10-31T13:38:00.000Z

Not something any of us will be doing tonight!

Today is an important day for me for several reasons. Hallowe'en has traditionally been a very busy time for me as I'm usually organising parties for various kids of all ages up to 55, or at the very least hiding behind my front door dressed as something unspeakably scary, ready to jump out on the trick or treaters.

This year, however, 31 October is not only Hallowe'en, but also my 31st day with no alcohol. I'm going out for a drink tonight - DIET COKE!!! - and I know I'm not going to blow it, or be swayed in any way. Right now, I have no desire to drink alcohol. I'm going out to meet some people I've never met before, so they won't know me as 'someone who likes a drink' and will accept me, without question, as someone who doesn't drink.

Tonight also marks the last night of freedom for a while because, as you will see from the link on the right, tomorrow is the first day of National Novel Writing Month, so I shall have my head down over my keyboard at every available opportunity. It's going to be a good month to (continue to) stay sober because I don't drink when I'm writing - I write rubbish if I do! And I'm going to meet fellow NaNo writers tonight to generally talk about how we're going to manage to juggle family, jobs and 50,000 words before 30 November. Usually the idea of meeting brand new people would have me heading for a stiff drink beforehand, but not today, not when I've been doing so well.

I thought, a month ago when I embarked on this 'trial run', that by the end of it I'd really be 'dying for a drink' and that I'd have lined up a nice quiet evening for myself where I could finish off the bottle of rum I pushed to the back of the cupboard 31 days ago. In fact, the rum will stay where it is and I shall carry on.

And it will be very nice not to feel the way I usually feel after a Hallowe'en party with my friends: (and here was going to be a great, seasonal picture, but for some reason Blogger doesn't want me to be greedy and have 2 pictures on my post ...)

Have a little faith

2006-10-29T20:02:00.000Z

I had a big disappointment on Friday. I'd had a really good interview for a new job on Thursday - a job I'd love, and one I know I can do. The director who interviewed me seemed as enthusiastic about my abilities as I was about the job, and promised I would have a decision the following day.

So, on Friday I called the agency and they'd just got off the 'phone with the director. He had told them I was by far and away the best person for the job BUT ... they needed someone to start as soon as possible, and as I had to give a month's notice at my current job, they had decided to go with their second choice.

While it was nice to hear all the good things he said about me, that doesn't really help me in my current situation, which is, a job I hate, at a salary I can't live on, with people who treat me like a trained monkey most of the time.

So it's been hard to pick myself up from that disappointment and I'm still upset, but I need to have a little faith. The fact I didn't get this job must mean that something better is out there.

On the positive side, this didn't push me to drinking. Once upon a time, not so very long ago, it would have been the perfect excuse for me to down a bottle of rum or vodka and cry all night about how unfair it all was. Yes, it does seem unfair, but drinking wouldn't have made it any better: it would simply have added disgust at myself to the disappointment in not getting the job.

Another positive thing is that I received my copy of Alcoholics Anonymous during the week. I'd ordered it on line and last night I took it and it opened at a particular page (it was a 2nd-hand copy) which must have been of some significance to its previous owner. I read the first few paragraphs and then went to bed. Today, when I logged on, I went straight to a particular blog that I read every day, and the very passage that I had read was quoted there. I feel as if there are two gentle hands on my shoulders, turning me to face the direction I need to go, and I must have a little faith, and keep facing forward.

And the best thing of all? It has now been 29 days since my last drink, and it feels good. It feels very good.

Grateful

2006-10-25T08:16:00.000Z

I was going to post yesterday evening before I went to bed and moan about the rotten day I'd had, but before I write my own blog entry I usually read how other people have been getting on, and after I'd looked at some other blogs I realised that the rotten day I'd had was nothing compared to some of the anxieties and very real problems others had encountered.

So instead of complaining I'm going to take a leaf out of some other blogs and remember what I have to be grateful for:

that my problems are only work-related. I'm looking for another job and hopefully will be out of here soon
that even here at this awful place I have made some good friends
that tonight is my volunteer night and I get to help others
that my family and friends are all safe and in good health
THAT I HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE 9pm ON SATURDAY 30 SEPTEMBER
that I've found this blogging community

I feel better for remembering the good things rather than dwelling on the bad things, although the bad things still need to be dealt with.

I'm wishing you all a happy, sober day!

Still winning!

2006-10-22T22:24:00.000Z

Just a quick post to say I won again today. I think the bottle is beginning to realise it's losing the fight and it didn't even show up in the ring today. In fact, the only time I thought about drink was when I was in the kitchen and saw my chalk-board, right before I came upstairs to post before going to bed, and I thought, 'Aha! Another day to chalk up!'

I've been lucky, I've had some easy days , and the days that have been harder have been manageable. I know there is help there when I need/want it, and it means a lot to come in here and say I've had a successful day, and read about other bloggers' struggles and triumphs. Because family and friends had no real idea of the extent of my drinking, there's no-one to be proud of what I'm doing, or to encourage me, so I'm learning to be proud of myself, and to find my encouragement within myself - and here.

Thank you, everyone, for your blogs and your comments and your honesty. I'm so glad I've found this on-line community.

Good day

2006-10-21T21:56:00.000Z

Yesterday was a really bad day so I enlisted help. I emailed a few good friends at work and said I needed to get out and who wanted to come to the pub at lunchtime. As I emailed my message I realised that the attraction of the pub was actually time out with friends - NOT alcohol! And that was a great feeling! So although the two incidents that upset me so much in the morning carried on being upsetting throughout the day, the fact that I could go out with friends and get away for an hour and not even think about having an alcoholic drink actually made me feel a lot better about the awful day I was having. Does that make sense?

And today has been a good day. I've been making my Christmas lists and realise that I've got a lot of presents for people already - I have about 18 bottles of wine in the garage so most of it is going to be given away as gifts to people who don't have a problem with drinking. That reminds me, I must cancel my subscription to the wine club - it's not a good idea to have a case of 12 bottles turning up every two months! But the fact that I have had 18 bottles sitting in the garage for over a month, unopened, is unheard of for someone who could (and often did) drink a bottle a night and sometimes open a 2nd one. Even more of an achievement is having 3 bottles of rum in the garage, unopened. I bought the rum in September, when I was still thinking I'd try and stick to the recommended allowance of 21 units a week. After a couple of weeks of being unable to do that I decided on my 'October detox' month and the bottles have stayed untouched ever since.

I am well aware that there are people who think that if they've managed to give up alcohol for a week or a month, they can't be alcoholics because they've just proved they can live without it. I know that after the week or month is up they may go straight back to drinking excessively again. I know that's a danger, and this is my last chance to prove myself, to myself. I've set my goal now of 100 sober days by the end of the year. After that, I'll allow myself to have a drink or two if I really want it, but if I find that I can't stick to that I will hold up my hands and admit that I really am an alcoholic, and I will wholeheartedly embrace the cure. But I have to find out for sure that I am an alcoholic, and that I really need to never ever touch a drink again to be able to have any sort of control. Those of you who are reading this may very well have been where I am now, telling yourself that you can stay in control, and you may be sure that I won't be able to stick to just one or two drinks occasionally - you may be absolutely right, but I have to be sure. The next few months are going to prove to me whether I control the drink or whether the drink controls me. I am too independent to allow anything to control me, so if I do find out that alcohol is stronger than I am then out it goes forever.

I feel really empowered by making that statement 'out loud'. I enjoy a challenge, and so far this month, it's been me 21, alcohol nil!

A little reminder

2006-10-20T08:20:00.000Z

... of what happens when girls drink too much …

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling "woo-hoo!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We've suddenly decided that we want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. In our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago.
5. We start crying and telling everyone that we love them sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "oh my God! I love this song!"
7. We've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that's only because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (or the mop?)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it's their fault that we're having problems walking straight.

I've done all except 8, 9, and 10. But I haven't done any of these for at least the last 19 days!

Bad day

2006-10-18T20:34:00.000Z

By about 10 this morning I'd already said to a colleague that it was a good job they didn't allow us to drink at work because I'd already be on my second glass. It was shaping up to be a bad day. Mind you, every day where I work is a bad day, and some days I cope with it better than others. Today wasn't a good coping day. By 11 o'clock I had looked up AA meetings in my city - although I think I knew that there would not be one that I could fit in between leaving work at 5pm and starting my voluntary work at 6.30pm. That finishes at 8.30. The meetings I found were all at 7.30, so no chance of getting to one. But at least I thought about it!

Anyway, somewhere between actually looking up AA sessions and leaving work I found something inside that reminded me drinking wouldn't make my bad day any better and as I wouldn't be home until 9pm there was no point even thinking about it.

As always, my voluntary work made me feel a hundred times better. What I do there is worthwhile. It makes up for the horrible day job and it makes me realise how lucky I am - not just lucky to have the life I do, but lucky that I can do something to help other people. And so I came home and fed the cat and poured myself a diet coke and now I'm going to have a long hot soak in the bath before chalking up another successful day.

The bad day's turned into a good one. Tomorrow will be better.

Who am I?

2006-10-17T18:55:00.000Z

I am unashamedly copying this from Jay Osmond's Blog - and he's copied it from somewhere else - and just tweaked it a little bit. Guess who this is?

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or your heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do, you might as well turn over to me,
And I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.
I can be managed, but you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done,
And after a few lessons I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of all great men,
And alas of all the failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with the precision of a machine,
Plus the intelligence of a human.
You may run me for profit, or run me for ruin,
It makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me, be firm with me,
And I will put the world at your feet.
Be easy with me, and I will destroy you.
Who am I?

I AM HABIT

Habit got me into drinking in the first place. I'm trying to learn new habits and so far - day 17 - it's working.

Sixteen days ...

2006-10-16T23:18:00.000Z

I've done two stupid things today, but neither of them included drinking alcohol, so I'm not going to beat myself up!

I came home from work absolutely shattered and thought I'd have a little lie down for half an hour ... 2 1/2 hours later I woke up! So, of course, wide awake with no chance of sleeping for ages. No problem, there's a good game on the computer that keeps me amused for hours, so I've been playing that, drinking lots and lots of Pepsi Max. Now that is stupid, because the caffeine in that, combined with my nap earlier, means that I'll be lucky if I manage to get to sleep before I have to get up at 6.45! And as I have difficulty in staying awake at work at the best of times (nothing of any interest to do!) I'll be nodding off over my keyboard tomorrow.

But it could have been worse. In the not-too-distant past if I've sat up late on the computer it's been accompanied by a bottle of bacardi to go with the coke, and it hasn't been a game, it's been chat rooms and boy, can you get into trouble there! Sober, I have absolutely no desire to go into any of the rooms I used to visit, and that's another very good reason for not drinking.

Favourite song

2006-10-15T19:54:00.000Z

My favourite song of the moment has been played ever since I gave up alcohol for October - I hear it on the radio almost every day either on the way to work, or on the way home, and I always sing along loudly. It's become my not-drinking theme song, and I hope you like it.

REHAB

PS - didn't drink today, either - 15 days in a row! Yippee!

Momentary wobble

2006-10-14T22:43:00.000Z

I had a moment this afternoon, sipping my diet coke, when I thought how much nicer it would be with some bacardi in it. Only one, just one, and I'd savour it, and then put the cap on the bottle and get on with what I was doing. No-one would know. I wouldn't have to tell anyone.

But I realised that I would know. I'm doing this for me, and that's the difference this time. No-one would be disappointed in me, but I'd have been disappointed in myself, so I left the bottle where it was, stuck to the diet coke, and chalked up another successful day on the board in the kitchen.

Other than the wobble - and it was only for a moment while I had that little conversation in my head - I had a good day. No headache when I woke up, a trip to the shops, the chance to do a good turn for a close friend - and the good news that she's moving house and will be closer to me - and the mental clarity to work on my (writing) competition entry, and watching a movie late in the evening and being clear-headed enough to follow the plot.

Hang on, this is beginning to sound like a grateful list! And maybe it should, because I am grateful, grateful to have started to stop, grateful for all the blogs I read that inspire me, and grateful that I have enough of my life left ahead of me to enjoy.

And grateful that, for the 3rd Saturday in a row, I am going to bed without the world spinning...

Friday lunchtime at the pub

2006-10-13T11:42:00.000Z

I haven't been to the pub with my colleagues at all since I started stopping (if that makes sense) but I did go today. No difficulty in having just a diet coke - but then again, only 3 of the 8 of us had an alcoholic drink.

I'm not as anxious about the weekend as I was last weekend. Usually weekends are a bit of a blur (I wasn't a huge drinker in the week - I did drink every night, but not always to excess - but weekends were usually spent drinking and taking naps) but I am confident this one won't be the same.

I mentioned a new challenge a couple of days ago. I was counting days until Christmas and I realised that if I combine my sober October with the previous sober days I've had this year, I'll have 47 by the end of the month, which means I can fit in 100 before the end of the year! That would be fantastic! I mean, 100 is 28% of a year! I don't think that, ever since I started drinking seriously (seriously? What, as opposed to playing at it? No, I mean heavily) when I was about 20, I have ever had 100 alcohol-free days in any one year. I know that if I do make 100 this year they won't be continuous days, but it's a nice even number, and that's what I'm going to go for.

I'm keeping my 1-month countdown ticker at the top of my blog, but then I'll start moving towards my 100-day total goal.

Reasons to be cheerful

2006-10-12T07:47:00.000Z

The tiny veins in my nose are not so red

My tongue looks a healthy pink, and not like the bottom of an incontinent parrot's cage

I haven't felt sick once

The whites of my eyes are white

I've lost 3lb in weight

All this in just 12 days of not drinking! There are other physical changes, too, which, added to the above, tell me I must have been much tighter in the grip of alcohol than I wanted to admit when I started my October challenge. I'm feeling so much more positive now that even though it's not the end of the month yet, even though I haven't succeeded in reaching my target one month, I'm thinking up my next challenge ... but I'm not going to tell you what it is just yet! You'll just have to keep coming back to find out!

Commitment

2006-10-11T08:04:00.000Z

I've been thinking a lot about commitment. I know it's something I'm so not good at, that I avoid it at all costs. I believe in love and happy-ever-after for other people, but not for me. I believe in God, but I don't want to go to church because I don't want to get 'sucked in'. I want to lose weight and I can diet for a week or so, but I can't commit to changing my eating habits for a lifetime ... And it's the same with alcohol. Right now I want to see how I cope without it, but I don't want to commit to giving it up forever. I don't want not to be able to have a glass of champagne on New Year's Eve ever again. I don't want not to be able to have a drink occasionally when I want one. I know, I know, it's a form of denial - I've proved amply to myself over the past couple of decades that I can't have 'just one' - but I can't commit to never taking another drink ever again.

And that's why, I think, I have decided not to start going to AA meetings. I would feel I was there under false pretenses, surrounded by people who want to stay sober forever. I just want to stay sober for now.

And I'm a little bit disappointed in myself for it.

Monthly challenge

2006-10-10T08:02:00.000Z

I felt too awful last night to post my progress - which was good, another sober day (although I had to really talk very sternly to myself because I so wanted a drink) and then this morning I realized! Silly me! I know why I've been feeling so down, tired and lethargic over the past few days - it's 'That Time' (perhaps this is over-sharing?) I can't remember the last time I faced my awful PMS without a bottle in my hand, in fact, on day one I usually get a self-destructive urge to drink myself into a stupor, perhaps because of the fear of the gut-wrenching agony that sometimes accompanies my period and causes me to black-out through pain. Anyway, now that I've realised why I've been feeling like this I'm more determined than ever not to give in to the craving to drink all the depression and pain away.

I'm going to try and put my thoughts in order about why I'm not going to meetings. I know why, but I want to be able to talk it out coherently here, so I'll post about that tomorrow ...

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone - I do appreciate it!

Progress report

2006-10-08T21:22:00.000Z

Another day chalked up, another day closer to my goal: my first alcohol-free month in years.

I thought I'd be feeling better than I do by now. I am permanently tired - except after I've been in bed for about an hour, and then I'm wide awake. I still wake up with a bit of a headache in the mornings. I guess the alcohol must have taken more of a toll on me than I realised!

Seven days

2006-10-07T21:56:00.000Z

A whole week. I've done a whole week. I'm pleased I've done it, I'm determined to carry on. Today - a whole day on my own, no distractions, no purpose and no drink. I've already said what my usual weekends are like. So far this one has been different. It's been a bit dull, it's felt as if there's been something missing, but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would. The hardest part was watching a movie in the afternoon and seeing someone drinking a glass of sherry before dinner. The memory of the taste of sherry (not something I particularly like) was so strong it was almost as if I had a mouthful myself, and I found myself wishing that I had a glass to sip, and that I could have a glass of wine with my meal. But I didn't.

So tomorrow is the start of another week. If I can do it for one week, I can do it for 2, and if I can do it for a fortnight, I can do it for a month.

What happens when October is up remains to be seen ...

Different approaches

2006-10-07T07:40:00.000Z

I was told recently of the approach a women's group (not specifically an alcohol-related group) has been using towards alcohol. A wine glass and a beer glass are put in front of the group members and introduced as Mr and Mrs Alcohol. Each person is invited to tell Mr and Mrs Alcohol how they feel about them, and then they take the place of the glasses and say how they, Mr and Mrs A, feel about what they've just heard.

It's a variation on the two-chair work that counsellors and psychotherapists sometimes use, and it made me think about some of my own relationships in the past. If I've felt that someone is trying to back off from me, I've held on even tighter. One of my friends is extremely needy, and I am trying to back off from her because she is draining me, but it's having the reverse effect. She calls me every night now - she's holding on tighter, as if she can sense me slipping away.

I'm beginning to think that that's the relationship I have with alcohol. When it feels me turning my back it puts more temptation in my way to entice me back into its warm and familiar embrace. If I tell myself I'll have just one, as soon as I've started to drink it, subversive thoughts creep into my brain: You see, I feel fine, one doesn't hurt. I can have another one. I've got ... oh ... another 10 hours before I have to get up for work tomorrow. I can have another couple before I go to bed and still get a good night's sleep, and it will all be out of my system by the time I get up.

Of course, one leads to 2, 2 leads to 4, and 4 leads to 8 and so much for a good night's sleep: I wake up on the hour, every hour, with a headache and a raging thirst for the bottle of water I keep by the bed. I look at the clock and think, Shit! I've only got X hours before I have to get up!

So, I have a message for Mr and Mrs Alcohol. I love you very much. You've been part of my life since I was 14, but I just can't see you now. Maybe we can get together in the future, but right now I just can't be near you, for my own sake.

I'm not even going to ask Mr & Mrs A how they feel about being dumped, because I know they'll make excuses and promise to be better, less demanding, if only I'll take them back, and I just can't afford to listen to them any more.

Looky looky!

2006-10-06T18:13:00.000Z

I've been looking around at various web-sites and blogs and found some cool things - one of which is the count-down ticker I've put at the top of this blog. It will remind me every time I log on that I am moving slowly towards my first goal, even if it is at a snail's pace.

For the first time in a month I have a free weekend. Well, I mean I have stuff to do - housework, financial paperwork - but I'm not going anywhere. I'm so looking forward to having the whole weekend to myself, but all that time is also a bit dangerous. A typical weekend to myself is pottering around in the morning on Saturday, having an aperitif before lunch ... and then usually lunch is non-existant and the afternoon is spent snoozing before waking up again in time for a drink before dinner.

This weekend I've made sure I have lots of nice coffee, flavoured waters, fruit juice, DVDs to watch and books to read, just to keep myself occupied and my mind off the bottle of rum locked away in the garage. It's going to be a challenge, but I'll log on and read all the blogs that I've been enjoying these past few weeks, I'll look at my little snail inching along towards the end of the caterpiller and I'll count the lines on my chalk-board and hopefully I'll be posting positive messages at the end of each day.

I beat the bottle again today!

2006-10-05T20:02:00.000Z

I'm just on my way downstairs to watch a programme on TV before I go to bed but wanted to log in and blog for the 2nd time today, because I won't have time to blog first thing in the morning, which is when I usually post how I've got on the previous day.

I'm going to put another chalk line on the board in the kitchen tonight, because today is another sober day. Yippee!

Last year there was another section on the chalk board: days lost through alcohol. There were quite a few of those last year. This year there have been fewer - in fact, only a couple - and next year I'm not going to need that section at all, because I won't be losing any more days. Life's too precious to waste.

New picture

2006-10-05T11:36:00.000Z

My original picture of two bottles of Bacardi was, in hindsight, not the greatest of choices for someone who's fighting drink. So I've chosen something altogether more serene and peaceful:

I'm feeling a bit more peaceful myself today. I've now had 4 days and 16 hours without alcohol, which is the longest stretch for me so far this year. Last year I managed 17 days in January but it all fell apart after that.

I had an email from a friend this morning to say that she is cutting out drinking for the first 3 weeks of October (until her birthday). We're meeting up later this afternoon and I'm going to suggest that she takes a look at some of the blogs that I've been reading: I've found a lot of encouragement there, and I hope she will too.

Honesty

2006-10-04T07:39:00.000Z

I've never been honest about the level of my drinking but I thought I'd give it a try last night. I went out to dinner with a friend and, while we were deciding on what to eat, she went to the bar to get us a drink. I said I'd have a diet coke and she asked if I was feeling all right. I just said that I'd been drinking too much recently and was giving myself a break. There, just like that. She just said, 'Do you want ice in it?' and didn't query or comment at all.

Usually if I come home after a sober evening out (if I've been driving, for instance) I take a big glass of rum and coke up to bed and drink it while I'm reading. Last night I came home and just went to bed.

Another sober day chalked up. I'd love to see my chalkboard in the kitchen absolutely full of those little green lines by Christmas. I'd love not to even need a chalkboard in 2007. It's certainly something to aim for!

Day 2

2006-10-03T07:57:00.000Z

Day 2 over with no alcohol. I had some good news/bad news yesterday - depending on which way you look at it. I have a friend who works for a subsidiary of the Bacardi-Martini group, and she's my source of cheap Bacardi. Every month she's allowed to purchase up to £80 a month of their products at near-cost price but as she doesn't drink, she passes her allowance on to me and I usually spend about £60 of it on Bacardi. Last month I really cut down on my order (because I was broke and I had already decided not to drink so much) so there is less to tempt me in the house. Yesterday she emailed me to say that their company has been bought out by another drinks firm so there will be no more Bacardi on the staff list! Eeek! I must admit I had a moment of panic, but then thought, well, if I'm not going to be drinking the stuff anyway, what does it matter?

Kept myself busy at home last night and didn't even think about drinking. I've now chalked another day up on the 'Alcohol Free Days' board in the kitchen. It's 18 now - not 18 in a row, 18 since Christmas. That's pretty terrible, really, but it's a start.

Pat on the back ...

2006-10-02T12:23:00.000Z

Yesterday was 1 October, the start of my alcohol-free month. I suppose it helped that I was so tired from the gig I went to on Saturday night I spent most of the day asleep ... but in the afternoon I had an hour's on-line chat with fans who weren't at the gig and wanted to know how it went, and in evening I had 3 hours in front of the television (which is almost unheard of these days) and that was when I fancied a drink. The character in the drama I was watching was one of these hard-drinking maverick types and watching him pour a large glass of whisky made me think rather wistfully of the bottle of Bacardi I had in the cupboard. But I reminded myself why I was giving up, I reminded myself that I'd made a promise - just to myself, no-one else - and the bottle stayed where it was and I stuck to soft drinks.

When I got home from the gig and finally got to bed I had a bit of a nightmare. I dreamed that I was in the kitchen and there was a half-finished glass of wine on the counter and I automatically picked it up and drank it, and then I thought (in my dream), 'Damn! I wasn't going to drink this month! Oh well, I've failed.' And in my dream I poured another glass of wine. During the day yesterday I felt really disappointed in myself for having taken a drink and then remembered that it had only been a dream and actually I hadn't had a drink at all! So although today is only 1.30pm on day 2, I'm feeling pretty good .... despite finding something unspeakable in my pizza in the office canteen ... I don't feel like putting anything into my mouth in this place ever again so what with the calories I'm going to save on alcohol and no longer eating in the canteen maybe I'll regain some of the shape I've lost ...

On the whole, a lot to look forward to!

The journey of a thousand miles ...

2006-09-29T19:40:00.000Z

... begins with a single step.

I've flirted with giving up alcohol for a long time. I've been telling myself to try and cut down ... It's a bit like going out with someone you love, someone you are besotted with and lust after, and saying that you're only going to kiss. With the best will in the world, it ain't gonna happen.

Sometimes I can have just one. Yesterday I went out for a drink with a friend and I had just one. And then I came home and I had just one. And then just one more. I told myself that three was good - for me, it's half what I normally have ...

My work life is in complete disarray at the moment. I've been terrified that there was some plot at work to get me out (I told myself it was paranoia and that drinking to stop worrying about it wouldn't make it go away) but other people agreed that it seemed that way, and backed me up and were in my corner and encouraged me to talk it through with my boss ... the boss who has reduced me to tears for over a year and made me feel like a totally useless individual instead of a highly qualified and experienced woman with 25 years experience ...

So, fuelled by the support of 2 other managers I saw my boss ... and boy, did it feel good! I have him on the run. He can be severely and I mean severely disciplined for all the things he's said to me. I don't want to punish him, I just want all the unpleasantness and trauma at work for me to stop. And now he knows that I won't put up with it any longer. I feel stronger now. It might not last, but today I feel strong.

In fact, I feel so strong that I am going to give up alcohol from 1 October. Just like that. I'm not saying I'm giving it up forever. I'm giving it up for October. The whole of October. Even if I have dinner out with friends (I have 2 in the diary already) and even if my wine club has just delivered 12 bottles of wine and even if I have 5 bottles of rum in the garage.

Tomorrow is 30 September. I can't drink tomorrow because I have a long drive to a gig and a long drive back and I don't take risks behind the wheel. Hey, tonight is my last night drinking for at least 32 days! How do I feel? Scared? No ... actually, I feel relieved.

I'm not saying that I'm going to succeed and beat all my demons in one fell swoop. I'm saying that, for October, I AM NOT GOING TO DRINK ALCOHOL.

There. I've said it. I'm going to do it.

The weekend is over ...

2006-09-24T19:47:00.000Z

... and tomorrow I have work (yuk!)

But I won't think about that. Instead, I'll think about the concert on Friday night, and the evening I spent with my friend - sober. It was a good evening, my friend's always good company, and I have always enjoyed this particular band. There was something missing, though, and I don't know if I'm right in what I'm thinking: that I didn't enjoy it as much as other times because I was sober and in control and therefore didn't throw myself into it and dance and let myself go. I don't mean let myself go in a drunken way and fall all over the dance floor, I mean just a couple of drinks would have loosened me up sufficiently to let go and dance. As it was, I sang along, shuffled my feet and I smiled and told my friend I'd had a good time, but actually I felt like an outsider and, looking back, it saddens me to think that if I can't control my drinking and have to give it up for good, I won't ever feel that pleasant buzz that allows me to let go a little bit.

But at least on Saturday I was up and dressed and headache free at a reasonable hour. Jay (from the weekend before's concert/chat marathon) came over for half an hour and talked solidly, even though I'd told her I couldn't hang around because I was going to a friend's for her birthday. I did manage to get away in time and it was great to see BA again - haven't seen her for a couple of weeks - and as soon as I arrived she gestured me into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine (she was deep in conversation with a neighbour) so I went to the fridge and decided to help myself to some apple juice instead. When BA saw that, she didn't press me to have a 'proper' drink. I did have a glass of wine with my lunch out, but just the one, and then I went onto diet coke. I felt good about that, but some of the sadness is still in me - sad that I wasn't able to drown my sorrows and laugh and enjoy the moment. I suppose what I'm saying is that I drink to blot out my sadness to allow me to enjoy the nice things that are going on around me - the lack of alcohol means there's nothing to keep the depression that is a part of my make-up at bay. I mean, the Prozac should be doing that, but I've cut down the dose over the last year and it's no longer having the desired effect. Maybe I'm trying to do too much, too soon. Maybe I'm feeling low because I have to go to work tomorrow and I hate it so much, and dislike the 2 people I have to share an office with. Maybe I am just so tired of everything being such a struggle - nothing is easy in my life, and nothing is really worth the struggle I have to put into each day just to come out of it intact.

I'm going to relax in front of the new adaptation of Jane Eyre that is starting in 5 minutes on telly and try to forget just how bloody miserable I am.

This isn't how I intended this blog to be today, I intended to give myself a pat on the back for controlling my binge-drinking this weekend, but I don't feel good. I should feel good and proud about it, but I don't.

Girls' night out

2006-09-22T11:38:00.000Z

I'm going to another concert tonight. I spoke to the friend I'm going with (NOT the same one as last week's concert - that would just be too much, my ears are still ringing from her 31-hour chat marathon!) on the phone and she said her husband would drop us off and collect us so that we could both have a drink. That was a very kind offer, but I said no. I said I would do the driving because I wasn't going to be drinking anyway. My friend tried to insist (she's worried about her own drinking, I know) but I was even more insistent, so I shall be driving and, as I don't take risks behind the wheel, I shall definitely not be drinking.

It is something of a relief to have made that decision early on in the day. It means I don't have to bother with thinking about things like, 'Shall I have a drink with lunch?' If I'd accepted the offer of a lift there and back from my friend's husband I'd probably have had a drink with lunch and several more in the afternoon (I've got the day off from work today) so by making the choice I did early on, I have effectively given myself a free day - free from getting tipsy and sleepy and wasting away my precious day off work.

Tomorrow is going to be difficult - a very very boozy friend's birthday - but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Today I shall just enjoy today.

Realisation is slowly dawning ...

2006-09-20T22:12:00.000Z

I've spent 4 hours writing a post ... and I've just reviewed it and realised it is nothing more than self-pitying drunken rambling so I've deleted it. I have good, anonymous, friends who read these posts and reply to me privately, and I have amazingly courageous people who are not afraid to show themselves by posting ... I admire you

I am still scared, I am still holding off from that final admission ... I just can't stand up right now and say, 'My name is ***** and I'm an alcoholic. But, deep in my heart, I know I am.

A fantastic alcohol-free day!

2006-09-17T12:39:00.000Z

I went to a rock concert on Friday. It was a long drive with a friend who drives me to distraction with her inane chatter. People don't believe me when I talk about this particular friend - she talks from the moment she arrives at my house, throughout the journey, and right up until the gig/play/movie starts, and then she goes silent ... until the interval ... then falls silent again for the 2nd half ... until the gig is over/the curtain comes down/the lights go up. But, because she has no other friends with the same musical/theatrical tastes as her (and because my friends with the same tastes have less holiday/more family commitments) I often end up having no alternative but to arrange things for her and me. This sounds really, really harsh but, see above: she has no other friends. I know why.

I had everything packed: sandwiches to leave in the car for when we got out (you can't take food in) and a flask of coffee (we'd need to warm up by the time we got out) and several small plastic bottles of water (you can only take plastic, sealed, bottles of up to 500ml in). I knew I could sneak in some rum and coke, mixed in a coke bottle, but I decided not to - with the thought in the back of my mind that I could always buy something when I got there if I had to. Listen to me - if I had to. I had a special picnic rug with a plastic back so even if the ground was wet, it wouldn't soak through. I ended carrying it all because Jay doesn't even think of offering to help. I feel like a bloody pack-horse most of the time!

All this background detail, as if I'm trying to make an excuse for needing a drink by the time we got there ... after my Chinese-water-torture-style 4-hour road-trip with Jay.

Outside the venue you can buy tokens that you can exchange for drinks inside - it's a good system, it means no money changes hands inside the venue, and you have to make a decision how much you are going to drink before you get in and get carried away. When I saw that you had to pay £3 for one drink I said no way! One drink would make me want at least another 5 and there was no way I wanted to/could afford to spend £18 on the equivalent of a few shots of rum.

And the concert was fantastic! I could sing along without slurring my words. I didn't need to suddenly rush out to use the ladies' loo. I could stand up on the steep slope without feeling giddy or falling over - unlike the woman behind me, who had been drinking beer all night, who fell into me 3 times without even an apology (she was too drunk to speak properly) and who probably didn't enjoy the concert because she was too far gone.

This isn't a concert review, so I won't go into detail, but when he sang some of his most poignant songs - which make me sob when I'm alone at home with the CD and the bottle - I could sing along with great joy and not get maudlin.

It took a long time to get back to our hotel after the gig - 65,000 people leaving all at the same time, more than 2 hours to get 9 miles - but, because I hadn't had a drink for over a whole day, I was fine after only 5 hours' sleep - no headache, no nausea. I got up and had a huge fried breakfast and enjoyed every mouthful. Instead of dying to get home for a longer sleep and a drink I suggested to Jay that we go to a designer outlet village on the way home, and we had a great few hours, looking at things we could only dream of buying, at prices we could perhaps afford.

All in all, it was a fantastic trip - and if I'd been drinking, I wouldn't have been able to enjoy it to the full extent that I did.

I've had a glass of wine since I came back yesterday. Not because I needed to, but because the open bottle was in the fridge and I fancied one. I'm looking back on the past couple of days and thinking how much more I enjoyed them, having made the decision to stay sober. The past couple of days has helped me think that sobriety - total sobriety - is nothing to be afraid of. I'm still not ready to go there yet, but it doesn't scare me quite as much now.

I know the coming week is going to be a challenge: work is going so badly at the moment that it takes all my resolve not to tell the Powers That Be to f**k off, and walk out. Sadly, there is only me to pay the mortgage and the bills, so I can't do that, but I have to do something. I have formulated a plan with one of the managers, but it's scarey, very scarey ... But I need to have a clear head, so before I go to bed tonight, I will decide whether I am going to commit to an alcohol-free working week. I think I want to.

Help in unexpected places

2006-09-13T18:26:00.000Z

One of my problems is admitting to others that I am not perfectly strong and capable. Yesterday I did. At the end of my tether, I emailed a friend who never listens, who never asks how I am, who's idea of support is, 'Well, if it's any consolation, I've had a rotten day, too.' She may as well say, 'Shut up, we all have problems.'

Anyway, not expecting anything supportive in return but, needing to get it out of my system, I emailed this friend. What I got in return was a kind, thoughtful and supportive reply, and an offer to help me financially if I felt I really couldn't stand the job and needed to walk away.

Just knowing that someone - someone quite unexpected - cares enough to make that offer of support, and mean it, makes me feel less alone, less helpless and, although I did have a couple of drinks after my horrible day at work, I didn't need to drink myself into oblivion.

Help is there, sometimes you don't even have to ask, you just need to be honest enough to allow people see you need it ...

Always reliable

2006-09-12T17:40:00.000Z

Drink is always reliable. It doesn't care if you're good or bad, it treats you the same every time. It's that reliability that makes it dangerous. When life lets you down, the bottle is always there. It can't solve your problems, but it can help you forget, or at least ignore, them for a while.

I have had a pig of a day. It appears that I must take shovel loads of shit heaped upon me and not retaliate. When I do show any personality at all I get a metaphorical slap. Today I reached the end of my tether and actually told one of my managers that I was looking for another job because I was so fed up of being treated like a school leaver with no experience. Actually, I don't know of any school leavers with no experience who are treated like that, nor any who would put up with being treated the way I am. But in my job, I have to put up and shut up. The manager was not really interested, and certainly didn't accept any responsibility for her part in it.

A friend took me out for a drink at lunch-time. I'd managed to stop crying by then. I spent all afternoon sorting out personal things, ignoring what little work they see fit to trust me with (which doesn't have to be done for 10 days) but I'm home now. Just me and a bottle that I'm trying hard to ignore. A bottle that will help me ignore, for a little while, what a shit job I have, and what shit people I work with.

I'm not even counting units tonight, just trying to bear in mind that I still have to go to work tomorrow ...

A glimpse of the future

2006-09-09T11:46:00.000Z

I've just 'phoned my sister in law to find out what time we're meeting tonight to go to my niece's play. She said, 'We're picking up Uncle Tony and Aunty Wendy and we'll get there for 7.15.'

Now, if I'd known Aunty Wendy was going I might not have been so keen to go to the play and my first thought was, 'Shit, I need a drink to get through an evening with her,' but even as I thought those words, I challenged myself. Why did I need a drink to get through an evening with this particular Aunt - not a blood relative, merely married to my Dad's poor unfortunate hen-pecked brother.

The obvious reasons are that she is a mean-spirited, thoroughly nasty, opinionated, bitchy and lazy individual who has never done a day's work in her life and yet somehow cons my poor Uncle Tony into thinking that she is so busy all day.

But, being brutally honest, the reason I dislike her so much is fear: fear that I might turn into her. It's the great open secret in the family that Aunty Wendy is an alcoholic. It's an unspoken rule that no-one phones her before 10 in the morning because she has such trouble getting out of bed in the morning. No-one 'phones her between 3 - 5 in the afternoon because she's having a nap - due to the aperitifs and the lunchtime drinks. No-one 'phones her after 8pm because she's too far gone after pre-dinner, during dinner and after dinner drinks.

She's often been 'too unwell' to join family members at Christmas. She frequently cancels evening invitations at the last minute because she hasn't recovered sufficiently from the afternoon's drinking. Even now I wonder if she will be compos mentis enough to attend the play this evening. Everyone shakes their heads and shrugs and accepts the real reason for her frequent absences from family events is drink, whatever excuse she gives. The really sad thing is that no-one cares about her enough to help her, except my Uncle, and he's too scared of her to even mention that her drinking is out of hand.

I don't want to take her place and be the Aunt everyone shakes their heads about and shrugs over. I'm too aware of the dangers that lie ahead to ignore the signs. I know that cutting down to sensible levels may not be the solution for me but I have to try. If I can't cut down I will admit that I'm unable to control it, and I'll walk away from it completely.

Whatever happens, I will not become my generation's Aunty Wendy.

Miscalculation!

2006-09-08T20:01:00.000Z

Freud would say that there is no such thing as an honest mistake and, I suppose, I have to agree, because while my conscious mind genuinely thought I had another 3 units to drink tonight to not go over my self-imposed limit, my subconscious must have been aware that I'd had my quota for the week by last night.

So going out for a drink at lunchtime with a good friend and 2 colleagues I hardly knew might not have been the best idea.

I had a drink - 2 units - which isn't huge in the grand scheme of things, but it took me over the limit I had set for myself (21 units) by 2! And, I know, I'm still WAY down the scale compared to what I drank last week, but I felt a failure, and thought, 'Oh well, if I've failed, this week is a write-off, I'll get a bottle of Bacardi and try again next week.'

No excuses (not even being joined in the pub by 2 male colleagues I don't really know, always scary): I didn't cross the finishing tape.

Think positive! I didn't stay under my limit BUT, on the up-side, I have drunk less than half this week than I did last week. Cutting down wasn't supposed to be easy - it was simply necessary. And I have cut down. And maybe next week I shall be able to stick to my limit of 21 units.

Off on a tangent here, but logical to me: NaNoWriMo starts on 1 November - National Novel Writing Month. As a novelist with over 20 books under her belt, bogged down by quality, wanting to let my creativity run free but always with an eye to public demand, I can appreciate the NaNo concept of quantity over quality - just getting it out of your system - and the idea that the only thing standing in the way of a wannabe novelist is a deadline. I'm applying that to the borderline alcoholic and the social drinker in me: a deadline. I'm giving myself until Christmas 2006. If I cannot bring my drinking under control by Christmas 2006, my gift to myself will be total abstinence.

There, the gauntlet has been thrown down.

Watch this space!

Just the one, Mrs Wembley!

2006-09-07T09:41:00.000Z

I can't remember the name of the TV series with Joan Sims as Dennis Waterman's drunken housekeeper, but 'Just the one, Mrs Wembley?' became something of a catchphrase. She would always reply, 'Just the one, Mr ...' whoever he was, even when it was obvious she was 3 sheets to the wind.

Anyway, I did manage to stick to just the one - the last in the bottle left over from earlier in the week - and although it would have been nice to have a second, I didn't want to open another bottle.

So, I can have a glass of wine tonight OR I can have a glass tomorrow night and still be within my 21 unit limit. But I can't have a drink both nights ... This is where the problem might start ...

On track ...

2006-09-06T09:38:00.000Z

I applied the 'double D' approach to my glass of wine last night - Delay and Distract. I had a bad day at work (not unusual) and the housework was stacking up at home and I'd been thinking how nice it would be to have a glass of wine when I got in. I know from experience that a glass of wine as soon as I get in leads to an empty bottle by bedtime, so instead of going straight home I popped in on my sister-in-law for half an hour and very virtuously refused a glass of wine there. When I got home I thought, 'Never mind the housework, I've had a bad day, this is me time.' So I opened up the patio doors to the back garden, sat down and put my feet up, and read my book. Usually a glass of wine accompanies book reading (and anything else I do) but I decided that I couldn't really enjoy both at once, so I just read until 8 o'clock, then I poured myself a glass of wine and watched Holby City. I really enjoyed the glass of wine, and it lasted the hour of the show. After that, I went back to my book (with another glass of wine, I must admit) and finished it - the book, that is, not the bottle!

I didn't get off to sleep very easily. I think that's one of the things I like about alcohol, the way it helps me sleep by relaxing my brain - or rather, numbing my thought processes. But anyway, despite not sleeping brilliantly I woke up on time, feeling fine (no headache!) and happy to know that I have stayed within my self-imposed limit of 21 units so far this week ... So far this week I've had 15, so I have 6 units left to go before Friday night. I don't have to drink those 6, but I know I will. I wonder if that's because I told myself at the beginning of the week that I would allow myself 21 units. Maybe, when I get used to 21 units I'll tell myself that I'll only have 14 - and see if I listen to myself!

'Only' 6 units ...

2006-09-05T08:20:00.000Z

I um'd and ah'd in the supermarket on my way home from work last night - should I buy a half-bottle of vodka or rum or not? But I knew that if I bought a half-bottle I'd drink it all, and that would have been over 13 units of alcohol. I did want a drink, though, so I bought a bottle of pre-mixed vodka and cola and, as I thought, I drank the lot. I didn't enjoy it though - I'm a bit fussy about the cola I use as a mixer - and because it was a pre-mix it was 'only' 6 units.

I think it's a good thing I didn't enjoy the drink, because I'm less likely to want to have more tonight - and besides, there is no more at home, and I'm not going shopping again just to buy a bottle.

I'll report in tomorrow with the unit count for tonight!

An alcohol-free Saturday night!

2006-09-04T07:49:00.000Z

Yippee!

I did it! I had a completely alcohol-free Saturday night - much to the consternation of the friends I was with. They said it was freaky and disconcerting to sit and watch me drink diet coke all evening. The problem with that was with all the caffeine in the diet coke (I have caffeine-free at home, and always drink decaff coffee, so I'm really not used to it) I didn't get to sleep until 4.30 in the morning, so I woke up feeling tired and with a headache anyway!

There were 4 of us on Saturday night. We didn't go out for a meal after all, we had a picnic in their room and kept going downstairs for bottles of wine (and more diet coke!) Between the 3 of them, they had 2 bottles of white wine and 3 bottles of red. I knew I'd get irritated with one of them in particular if I wasn't slightly 'mellow' and I did. Even when she's sober she is one of those people who never listens, who makes snap judgements and is convinced she knows best at all times. Her idea of sympathy is, 'For God's sake, pull yourself together!' which she said to one of the others who ended up in tears about her boyfriend on one of the trips back down to the bar for more wine. Had I been drinking, I might have got into an argument about it but as it was, I just said, 'That is not helpful.' She said, 'Yes it is!' and I gave her such a withering look that she did shut up after that. When someone is crying and needs some support, saying, 'For God's sake, pull yourself together!' is only going to make the other person feel sadder and more alone than ever.

On Sunday I had a glass of wine, which I really didn't enjoy, and it didn't make me want to open another bottle of wine, so I feel quite pleased with myself. I don't think I'd even have had that if the bottle hadn't needed to be finished up. There are two more bottles in the fridge (I thought that if my friend stayed for lunch we'd probably have both of them) but I'll take them out and put them in the garage, a bit further out of temptation's way.

Whether I have a drink tonight or not depends on my day at work. I hate working here and I'm trying so hard to find another job, but nothing suitable has turned up yet. If I have a reasonable day and don't have a drink tonight, it will be easier not to have one tomorrow ...

Oh dear!

2006-09-02T15:32:00.000Z

I've just re-read my last post. How depressed did I sound? Very! It got worse, though. I didn't go to bed until 5.30am, and I'd finished the entire bottle of run by then. I'm lucky not to have a bad hangover - in fact, I think I'm lucky to be alive! I ended up in a chat room, offering to meet up with someone I have absolutely no intention of meeting. Strange I can type perfectly well when I'm completely hammered. If I couldn't I wouldn't get myself into so much trouble on line. Before I'd finished the bottle of rum I'd already spent £80 on ebay on something I don't really need and certainly can't afford.

I have decided not to drink at all tonight. I can't afford it, for a start, and if I have a drink while we're all out I'll want more when I get home.

I'm feeling a bit sick, a bit hollow, and very very down today. It serves me right.

Failed again!

2006-09-01T23:15:00.000Z

Originally I decided I would not post when I had had a drink ... but now I think that posting when I've been drinking may actually be good for me. If I look back on 'tipsy' postings when I'm sober, I may be shamed into a) not drinking, but, more likely, b) not posting drunk.

On the way home from work tonight I went shopping and bought a bottle of spiced rum. If you look at my earlier post, I was going to have the one glass left in the bottle of wine that was in the fridge from yesterday, and maybe one rum and coke. Well, I haven't touched the wine! But I'm more than halfway through the rum ...

I went onto Google and looked up Alcoholics Anonymous Online and checked out a few of the entries. The trouble is, they are all for people who want to stop drinking ... and I don't want to stop, I just want to cut down.

I think/know I'm fooling myself when I say I can cut down. I think I've known it for the past (let me work it out ... I was in college, and a friend's mother was a counsellor. She said the definition of an alcoholic is someone who has to have a drink every day. I was at college, I had no money, I couldn't have a drink every day! But that sentiment stayed with me as I grew up, grew older, could afford to drink every day ... and did ... and began to need to ...) 20 years.

My glass isn't even half empty yet, but I'm wondering if I should go to the kitchen and top it up already ...

I went to visit a friend of mine yesterday. We used to work together, and we had some pretty frank discussions about the extent of our drinking. She left work because a) her job was crap and b) her boss was crap and c) she was busy planning her elder daughter's wedding and d) her younger daughter (aged 24) was diagnosed with a particularly aggressive form of leukaemia. Obviously I have not given them the priority they had in her mind, but I wanted to show the escalation of her distress and depression.

Sitting in the last of the evening sun in her garden, she had a cup of tea and I had a glass of water. I was dying for a drink - a proper drink - and I think she was, too, but because we'd both admitted our concerns about drinking, neither of us wanted to be the first to go for the bottle of wine in the fridge. And, as she said, 'My daughter hasn't done anything wrong. She's eaten healthily, she's exercised, she doesn't smoke and she doesn't drink - and she's got leukamia. I'm going to bloody well enjoy what I eat and drink!'

I recalled that my mother was slim, fit, didn't drink and died at 53 (she did smoke a lot though) and my father died at 58. He was slim, fit, didn't drink and didn't smoke. My feeling is that I want to enjoy what I eat and drink now, because I don't see myself getting out of the other side of my 50s.

It's gone my bedtime but it's Saturday tomorrow (well, today, now). I bloody well am going to go and refresh my glass ...

... Usually at this time of night/morning, and this far down the bottle I go into chat rooms, in search of someone to fill the void. I don't even think I have a void until I find myself in rooms dedicated to transvestites, transsexuals, gay, lesbian and bisexual. As far as I am aware (and I have spent many hours and weeks and months in therapy increasing my self-awareness) I do not belong in any of those groups except for the one common thread: we are all looking for someone to love, and someone who will love us.

I think, perhaps, I'm not sure, that the reason I drink is to free the joyous inner child in me: everyone loves a child, but no-one loves me. As a child I really was loveable ... as an adult I am prickly, unhappy ... and unloveable.

Time to stop posting now. This is getting a touch too painful.

If anyone out there is reading this .. please reply. I'm feeling really alone right now.

Setting targets

2006-09-01T12:19:00.000Z

It's the first of a new month, so I'm going to try and stick to the upper end of the guidelines on units of alcohol (ie 21 a week). That might sound like a cop-out, but actually it will probably halve my weekly intake. If I manage that, maybe I'll aim for a more conservative 14 units a week, but already in my mind I'm rejecting that as being not enough. I can at least contemplate aiming for 21 units a week.

I was going to go out for a drink with colleagues at lunch-time, but cancelled at the last minute. I would only have had one - either one large glass of wine or a single measure of spirits - but I'm beginning to realise it's not the amount I have that's the trigger, it's the time I start. If I wait until around 7pm for my first drink, then I physically can't have enough to make myself ill before I go to bed and sleep the units away. If I start at lunch-time, I want another as soon as I get home in the evening, which is around 5.30.

Someone gave me a bottle of wine and a box of chocolates yesterday as a late birthday present. I didn't open the chocolates (too many calories!) but I did open the wine when I got home around 8pm. I had about 2/3 of the bottle, so about 6 units and there were probably fewer calories in the wine that there would have been if I'd had the chocolate instead. Funny how I never think 'too many calories' when it comes to opening a bottle of wine! Anyway, those 6 units were part of August's units. Tonight I'll finish the bottle, which will be about 3 units. I have a very strong feeling that I'm going to go and get a bottle of Bacardi or similar on the way home from work and have some of that, too, after the wine.

Tomorrow I'm going out for a meal with a very dear friend I haven't seen since Christmas, as she lives so far away. Her partner's going to be there. He's a sh*t and makes her unhappy, and that makes me unhappy, and the only way to ignore all that tension and unpleasantness is to have a drink. Another friend is joining us and she annoys me a lot at the moment, and she'll drink too much and be stupid. I could offer to drive, that will keep my drinking down to just one glass, but I don't think I can spend the whole evening with all of them and stay completely sober, there's just too much 'stuff' going on.

If I'm definitely aiming for 21 units a week this month, that's 3 units a night - that's the large glass of wine I have left in last night's bottle, and no more! That is definitely not going to be enough for a Friday night!

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought ...

Decision time

2006-08-31T09:43:00.000Z

I don't want to stop drinking altogether. The thought of never having another glass of wine with friends, a tall, cool, Bacardi and diet coke on a hot summer's day, or even a glass of champagne to celebrate a special event, is not one I can contemplate at the moment. Being the only totally sober one amongst friends on a night out when it's my turn to drive is hard enough without it being the rule, rather than the exception.

But I do have to cut down. Yesterday a colleague helped me put a heavy parcel in the boot of my car. He spotted the bottles I had in there ready to go to the bottle bank and said, 'Christ, that must have been a hell of a party!' As he drinks a lot himself, I just laughed and said, 'No, just my last month's empties!' It was the truth (if not the whole truth; another bag of empties was still in the garage) and he looked at me with new respect. 'And I thought I was a rum-head!' he said, impressed.

The box in the boot contained 5 empty litre Bacardi bottles, an empty Morgan's Spiced Rum bottle, and a couple of empty wine bottles. That's what I've had to drink at home since 25 July. That's not including drinks I've had out, drinks at friends' houses, and the empties in the garage. The contents of the boot add up to about 230 units of alcohol. Over 5 weeks that works out at 46 units a week. That's a little bit more than the recommended weekly amount for two women, let alone one.

So, I have to cut down. I resent having to cut down, but the alternative of cutting it out completely isn't great either. I'm an intelligent woman. I know the health risks. I know that with the family history of high blood pressure and heart disease I'm pushing the boundaries with the amount I drink but that's never been enough to stop me before. I guess I don't particularly want to grow old. I've always thought I'd die young but maybe I should concentrate on enjoying life - however much left I have - rather than calculating how long it will be until my next drink.

Having said that, my next drink will be in about 7 hours' time ... Let's see if I can make it just the one, shall we?

2006-08-31T09:04:00.000Z

This is my best friend!